Communication

As with most Internet addictsusers, a huge part of my daily communications are done via the Internet.  Be it with e-mail, blogging, facebook, message boards or whatever.  Business and personal.

I read Kelly’s entry on how she found old e-mails that she had sent to her husband.  How he had kept all of them.  Documenting, in a way, their love and relationship as it had grown.

It made me realize that I miss that kind of correspondence with Tommie.  He is not into electronic communications at all.  He hardly sends or responds to text messages (I may be somewhat addicted to that).  He doesn’t have e-mail!  Really.  No seriously, he doesn’t.

I think we would have a better relationship if we communicated via e-mail.  He may be more open with his feelings and I think I would maybe make more sense?  Yes, we could write but come-on.  Who does?

Maybe I could try to set up e-mail on his cellphone but I don’t think he would respond.  He doesn’t even have his mms activated so that I could send him photos.

I’m not saying it’s right or wrong that he doesn’t have an electronic means of communication, it’s just that I wish he did.

 

Hold on

He may not always do it the right way, say it the right way or show it the right way. But then neither do I.

We should have given up a zillion times. Many times I have said, just one more day and then seen those days blur into years.

He has been hurt by me. I have been hurt by him. Emotionally I have divorced him so many times.

Somehow though, somehow he finds a way to make me realize that despite our differences, despite the fact that we come from different worlds and totally have the odds against us, we do still love each other. That giving our children a home together is better than going at it alone.

Love is a very strong and unrealistic emotional. It’s also a very real decision.

 

Married vs Single

I was born into a family where we always went on holiday together.  Where we were a unit.  A crazy unit at times but a unit.  I don’t remember times when my dad went on holiday without us or my mom.  They  never went on holiday without the other.  Business trips but not holidays.

Tommie is going away for the coming long weekend.  Without me.  He went hunting last year.  Without me.  His very first trip without me was when we just got engaged.  Then just before we got married and from there on out probably once a year.

Now I’m guilty of this too.  I have gone on long holidays without him.  However those were normally when we were going to get divorced through a tough time.

I mentioned this morning that we should go away for the long weekend, when I found out he had already made other plans.  How is that right?  How does he live such a separate life that he has already booked the chalet and asked one of our friends to go with?

It hurts.  Not him going away.  Although in reality that hurts too.  I want us to do things together.  We are married.  That’s what we decided to do.  It hurts that he lives such a separate life that I don’t know at all what he does and when.

 

Just the same

I just realized that I treat my body in pretty much the same way as I treat the silence in the house.

I haven’t been to gym almost all year.  Shocking I know.  So what do I do to make up for this?  I starve myself all morning long.  By lunch time I eat cause I’m starving and I’m at my folks house and my mom makes awesome food.  By the time I get home my body is just so thankful that it got food in the first place that it goes completely haywire and has anything and everything that is edible.

Now see.  That’s the silence in our home.  Silence for days weeks.  Then all of a sudden some words exchanged and I talk back.  Cause I hate the silence and my kids don’t need this crap.  Then by night time I’m just SO thankful that everyone is having normal conversation that I never bring up the real issues in case it brings back the silence again.

I remember as a child I had this dream so many times.  I would see two lines moving towards each other.  Not directly but very slowlymoving towards each other.   Then just as they get close, everything goes haywire.  All of a sudden there’s a million other lines that cross each other at a huge speed and seem to roll into one huge mass of lines.  Eventually the mass will disappear and there will be two lines.  Moving towards each other.  Slowly.

I think that dream is like life.  Everything goes smoothly.  Slowly.  At a steady pace.  Then things go absolutely haywire very quickly.  Now for some unknown reason the silence is broken and I’m just thankful for that.

It’s not right but it’s better than the silence.