Shy snob

The school has these weekly thoughts that they put at the bottom of the week’s homework.  This week the message is something like:  Those who take advice as criticism, think they are better than others.

Maybe.  I suppose.  Also though, shy people take advice as criticism.  For a very long time in my life, I didn’t see myself as ‘good enough’ and as soon as someone would give me advice, it would confirm that believe. 

As I matured, I realized that I am indeed more than enough and now I don’t do that anymore. 

Interesting how they see it the other way around.    It’s so nice to grow up and realize you are okay.  Enough.

 

Forgetfulness

I’m really worried about myself.  I’m really irritated with myself.

I forget.  All the time.  Not just the common, everyday forgetfulness.  I do not remember a lot of things that I should.  I forget the names of objects.  Things I’m supposed to do (although many people forget stuff like this)  Just this morning, I could remember the client that was in my office early on.  I mean I did eventually but I really had to try and put the puzzle together.

I hate this.  I hate forgetting. I hate that I have to really really think of the names of objects.  It’s not like me.  It’s not as though I don’t use my mind.  I do sit all day long keeping my mind active with the work I do.

 

Love languages

I think the book “5 Languages of Love” is wonderful.  Speaks volumes and makes you realize that people sometimes do love the ‘wrong’ way.  I have thought about this often.   Tried to find my main love language and in a way I have been lying to myself.  Unwilling to accept the language that does mean something to mean.  Maybe as much or more than quality time.

Receiving gifts.  That’s one of my main love languages.  Why did I battle to admit this to myself?  I’m not materialistic.  That’s why.  I would hate for people to think that I am.  I’m much more of a giver.  I will share my stuff and give things away without thinking twice. 

The thing is that receiving gifts (for me) makes me feel that the other person thought of me.  Without me prompting.  Without me having to be there.  This person put thought into getting me something.  I don’t need it to be expensive by any means but do not think twice if you want to buy me a new lens or diamonds or …. It can be a flower out of the garden.  I picture drawn by my kids.  Tommie bringing Wimpy coffee when he comes to the office.

I have realized this about myself and it feels good.  It feels good to be able to share that with my husband and explain that this is my love language.

Sjoe sometimes it can be so hard to understand ourselves and then even harder to just express it.

 

People pleaser

I have come to realize (although I suppose I’ve known it for a long time) that I’m such a people pleaser.  To the extend that I tend to push my own feelings and time aside, so that I can care for others. 

Seeing other people happy means a lot to me.  I want people to enjoy themselves.  To know that life is pretty much amazing and a miracle in itself.  When people are down, I’m normally one of the first people they talk to.  I will let other people’s feelings and emotion come before mine even if it means I hurt myself more in the process.  When I do that though, when I push my own feelings to the back, I tend to forget about it.  To make it feel ‘less’ even though it is not.

When I do feel I have a right to my feelings, a right to be upset and hurt and to be heard, I feel guilty.  Once in my life I did this in a big way.  I totally stood up for my own self and in the process felt rather stupid.  I felt that I was making a scene when I should have just let it go.  Although if it were someone else, I would have supported them and thought that they were doing the right thing.

I wish I felt entitled to be upset.  To know that I have the right to feel that way and not be pushed away because of it.