No-one truly understands

He was a mere 9 year old boy when I made the decision that I could teach him better than school teachers. Teachers with an education, with years of experience. I felt I could do better.

What if I didn’t. What if he would have been “less” dyslexic if he was in mainstream school. What if it is my fault that he is not reading as well? He did not do badly in school at all. He had concessions. He got average grades.

I pulled him thanks to a few teachers. Teachers that bullied him. Yes, teachers! However, now that he is in Grade 11 I worry. I worry daily. Did I do the right thing? What about his matric finals? Will he be able to do it?

What if he could have read better? What if trying to help, made things worse?

“Zander, if it what happened. If me trying to help made things worse, I’m so so very sorry. I can’t give you the years back but I’ll try my utmost. If it’s my fault, we will fix this.

I love you.”

Poem

This poem is sweet and endearing when you have a little one.

My Child,⁣

⁣

You are my today, my tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after.⁣

⁣You are the air I breathe,⁣

the light at the end of every dark tunnel,⁣

the rainbow after a torrential rainstorm with thunder and lightning,⁣

and the beautiful melody in all the songs I listen to.⁣

⁣You are my motivation to swim against the waves,⁣

my strong foundation even when I’m feeling weak and at risk of toppling over,⁣

and my shining star in a dark universe.⁣

⁣My unconditional love for you,⁣

is one that pulls me out of bed on the hard mornings,⁣

where the tired makes my bones ache,⁣

and my brain is so foggy I can hardly think straight.⁣

It’s a love that’s so comfortable it rocks me to sleep at night⁣

even after a day filled with overthinking every interaction,⁣

of feeling overwhelmed by an inbox of unread emails and dirty laundry⁣,

and falling short,⁣

again and again.⁣

⁣

I have never felt anything like it before. ⁣

I can be depleted of everything,⁣

but never of my all-encompassing love for you.⁣

⁣

Because when I dig deep, I will always find more to give.⁣

⁣

So, I hope you feel loved every day of your life knowing ⁣

⁣

you’re someone’s today,⁣

tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after.⁣

___________________________________

Then they get older. They have their own will – mostly against yours – So I changed the poem …just a little bit.

My Teenager,⁣

⁣

You are my today, my tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after.⁣

⁣

You are the air I breathe,⁣

sometimes you are my dark tunnel

the cause of my torrential rainstorm with thunder and lightning,⁣

and the doof-doof of the songs I am forced to listen to.⁣

⁣

You cause me to swim against the waves,⁣

you make me weak and at risk of toppling over,⁣

I need a shining star in the universe.⁣

⁣

My unconditional love for you,⁣

is one that pulls me out of bed on the hard mornings,⁣

helps me not to break your bones,⁣

and my brain is so foggy that I forget that I’m upset.

⁣

It’s a love that’s so tyring it forces me to sleep at night⁣

even after a day filled with fighting every interaction,⁣

of feeling overwhelmed by an inbox of unread emails and dirty laundry⁣,

and falling short,⁣

again and again.⁣

⁣

I have never felt anything like it before. ⁣

I can be depleted of everything – patience; money; freedom; time –

but never of my all-encompassing love for you.⁣

⁣

Because when I dig deep, I will always find more to give.⁣

⁣

So, I hope you feel loved every day of your life knowing ⁣

⁣

you’re someone’s today,⁣

tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after.⁣

Forensic Accountant

Yes, we have a student in our home that is studying forensic accounting.

I’m so very proud of Jason. For two reasons actually. With the subjects he had, he couldn’t study forensic accounting. He would first have to do financial accounting, then chartered accounting and then switch to forensic accounting. Well, Jason being Jason, he spoke to the professor of the forensic accounting and with the amazing marks he got last year, he is starting his studies as a forensic accountant on Monday!!

I would never have the guts to walk up to someone and discuss my studies like that. Also so darn proud that he knows what he wants and just does it.

I think what amazes me most of Jason is the fact that he is so independent He homeschooled without any help from me. He studied subject he never had last year (accounting that is my profession) and he never asked for help. He got himself into forensic accounting without help. Like I say, he knows what he wants and does what it takes to make it happen.

May this be an awesome year for you, Jason.

You make me proud.

My backup

My dad was my backup. You know like we’re back things up so that we don’t lose important things? My dad was my backup. I have lost that. I have lost my backup. Nobody can give it back. Nobody can replace it. I just don’t have it anymore. I have lost the shared memories. It is not the same when it is just mine. I have lost the shared knowledge of our business. I have lost the memories that he was still going to make with the kids. He loved them so very much. I wish I could get his memories back. What he has backed up on his mind.

I have lost the person who always had my back. No matter what.

I have lost the one person I could share anything with and know that he won’t judge.

I have lost my safety net. Financially, emotionally, just being there for me and the kids.

I try to hide it. I try to take it. Some days are just harder. Today is a difficult one.

I love you, Dad.