Super Mom

Regardless

 

No matter what. Regardless of what is going on in my life. These guys, these guys that I chose to bring into my life, they deserve the best.

I cannot base a decision just on me and what I need. I need to take into account what they need too. Not just what they need though. What we need. Me and my little guys.

That doesn’t necessarily include staying. Also doesn’t mean that I should leave.

My friends feel that leaving is long overdue. I know many of my friends would have left by now and if I were to think of myself only, so would I. Or maybe I’m just a coward. Maybe I’m just too afraid to accept that I should leave. That I will knowing hurt another person by calling it quits. That I use the kids as an excuse.

Maybe I take his feelings into consideration more than he does mine. Maybe I am so thankful for the little times when things are good that I push the bad to one side.

However. I think I’m being unfair to me and probably ultimately to my boys. This is not how I want them to think what a marriage should be. I also don’t want them to think that one can just quit. Walk out and not look back.

I have never been good at making decisions . . . .

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26 responses

  1. My heart aches for you. I can only imagine how difficult this decission must be for you.

    April 7, 2008 at 10:05 pm

  2. My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry he doesn’t seem to realize how wonderful you are.

    April 7, 2008 at 11:45 pm

  3. I am so sorry that you are having to make this decision. You deserve better. Good luck- and know that even from halfway around the world, people are sending you lots of love and support!

    April 8, 2008 at 12:52 am

  4. Hay

    You hit the nail on the head so hard! We want our kids to be happy, but which is better? Seperated parents…who might be happier, or together parents wo are unhappy? Unfortunately we don’t have the benefit of hindsight…so decisions are so scary. Wis I could give you answers, but all too often I’m facing the same questions. ((hugs))

    April 8, 2008 at 2:07 am

  5. Decisions like this aren’t easy to make at all – I know, I had to make this decision almost 10 yrs ago and we didn’t have kids to think about, so it was easier, but still hard to make the decision. Praying that you figure out what the best thing is to do and I’m sorry you’re facing this decision at all.

    April 8, 2008 at 2:29 am

  6. “However. I think I’m being unfair to me and probably ultimately to my boys. This is not how I want them to think what a marriage should be. I also don’t want them to think that one can just quit. Walk out and not look back.”

    Will you please tell this to my mother??????

    April 8, 2008 at 2:45 am

  7. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope you find the answers that you are searching for.

    April 8, 2008 at 5:41 am

  8. I am so sorry that he cannot see what a treasure he is in jeopardy of losing. I don’t know what your circumstances are but I know that deep down, you know what needs to be done. You must listen to your heart. Your children deserve a mother who is happy. If you ever need someone to just listen and hold your hand thru e-mails you know how to reach me. {{{{Hugs}}}}

    April 8, 2008 at 6:50 am

  9. Maggs

    Strongs!

    April 8, 2008 at 8:36 am

  10. Wenchy

    “Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.”
    – Maragret Lee Runbeck

    April 8, 2008 at 8:52 am

  11. puts tears on my eyes.

    tough times seem easier (for you) just by thinking u have ur boys.

    April 8, 2008 at 8:55 am

  12. Wenchy

    PS. Leaving does not mean quitting. It may mean chosing to live instead of excisting… leaving never means you get to move on and not look back.. unfortunately.

    April 8, 2008 at 8:59 am

  13. Thinking of you Mel. You will make the right decision that is best for you and your boys. Just look after yourself in the process. Lots of love. xx

    April 8, 2008 at 10:02 am

  14. we are very similar… it took me 2 years to leave after i saw the wring in the proverbial wall… and looking back now i realised i waited far too long… you have no idea how much stress you carry and it’s palpable in your house…your kids pick up on that, guaranteed, that was the first thing i realised after i moved out… the absolutely peace… and you have no idea how important that is, home should not be a war zone, even if it is a silent war… you are hurting yourself more with each passing day… and your kids will be fine, mine is flourishing, it was tough, i won’t lie, but it was the single best decision i’ve ever made on my own! talk to me anytime ok, been there done that 😉 ((Hugs))

    April 8, 2008 at 10:34 am

  15. You know what I think. Regardless of what you do, I am here.

    April 8, 2008 at 10:58 am

  16. Gen

    You know Mel, I am not in the position you are in (and I know things are easier said than done) but you must also think ahead for your kiddo’s – Staying could also cause more damage than leaving. You and your boys have the right to a better and happier life. You must do what your heart tells you to Mel – Your kids are very well balanced and you have a great support structure and you won’t be left to deal with any of this on your own! There are alot of people out there that care very deeply for you and those boy’s, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out!). I don’t think you should see leaving as quitting – You have given it a fair chance and put everything you have into this marriage – rather see it as a new beginning and make peace with the fact that you have tried!!!! Take care and know that I am thinking of you through all of this – See you at the wedding, then we can chat!

    April 8, 2008 at 11:03 am

  17. Thinking of you!!!!
    I love the photo at the top of this post!!!

    April 8, 2008 at 12:10 pm

  18. SO sorry Melany that you are going through this right now:( I will be thinking and praying for you my dear friend!! You are a strong, smart, and wonderful woman. I know you will make the right decision.

    ((((HUGS))))

    April 8, 2008 at 3:08 pm

  19. jenty

    Thinking of you a lot. I can well imagine how torn you are, about the situation. I would be too. It’s not an easy decision to make at the best of times, but a thousand times worse with kids.

    April 8, 2008 at 3:58 pm

  20. It’s not that you’re bad at making decisions – it’s that you realize how much is at stake. You realize the impact this can make on your boys and their future (not to mention your future). You realize there are very good reasons to leave – but there are also reasons to stay. You are not bad at making decisions – you are realizing it’s not just you involved. It’s you, your boys, the other person, both families, your nieces, nephews, etc. Your one decision affects MANY people directly or indirectly. I learned this with my brother. He thought his decisions to marry and divorce 2 times only affected him and his children – but when you marry someone – you take on them AND their family and it was devastating for my family when he divorced. Even the 2nd time when we knew it was best AND encouraged him to do it.

    You are not bad at making decision. You realize the impact that either way the decision goes could make.

    April 8, 2008 at 3:59 pm

  21. Normal

    Hey there, I certainly do not know your circumstances and I am in no position to tell you what to do. I have spent many a day and night torn between staying or going and….well each time I stay, hoping for that rainbow tomorrow, praying for my family as a unit. I will pray for strength in your family unit and your marriage and if you want to talk, leave me a message..you know where to find me…Having someone to talk to really helps, I know. Anytime 🙂

    April 8, 2008 at 4:10 pm

  22. kim

    Hugs Mel, there is no easy answer.

    April 8, 2008 at 8:25 pm

  23. Sarah

    I think you had it right after the word ‘However’.
    Strength to you.

    April 9, 2008 at 9:11 am

  24. I hope things work out for you Mel, whichever choice you make…

    April 9, 2008 at 8:16 pm

  25. Wow, I have so been there. The first 13 years of marriage were most unpleasant. But then something happened. Things began to change. Never in a million years would I have believed my husband could be the man he is today. Every once in awhile, I see shades of who he was back then and I cringe. He has become a completely different person. Nothing short of a miracle.

    I’d like to believe I’ve changed too. Sometimes I feel more selfish and self-centered because my husband is so giving and generous now. It is like I drink it up and want more. But when I remember how bad it was, I can’t believe I could take all of this for granted.

    I guess what I’m saying is things can change. But if someone had told me this 15 years ago, I would have said, “yeah right. You don’t know my husband.”

    April 10, 2008 at 7:11 am

  26. I know just how exactly how important your boys are to you. That you wonder if somehow changing their environment so drastically that you will in some way – hurt them, or deny them something, I’m totally with you on how you’re probably thinking about this, I’ve had my moments too. I guess I’m just lucky that things have worked out well for me so I’m not faced with this decision. The question I constantly ask myself is…, “Do I want my son looking at how his father treats his mother – and think thats right?” “Do I want him to think that it’s okay?” “Do I think some young girl 20 years from now is going to have to put up with the same BS as this just because I didn’t provide him with a better example?” As long as my answers are positive in this regard, I see a reason to go on. If they ever reach the poing where my answer to those questions is , “HELL NO” then I will go. I’m just so thankful that with the 2 long years of hell we’ve been through (financially/emotionally/relationship-ly/medically) that we’ve come out better on this side. Our trip to Aus actually helped us SO much because we both suddenly realised that we still wanted the same things – and that above all else *communication* is the only way that we can be happy and understand one another. Sure our marriage is far from perfect, but there are enough silver linings to look past the dark grey storm clouds when they’re around.

    April 10, 2008 at 4:32 pm

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