Super Mom

Was the time right?

Today I let the boys swim.

Not for the first time in our pool, since our maid’s son drowned but for the first time with her here.

For 2 months after his death, I didn’t want the boys to swim in our pool at all.  After that, I let them swim but only when she wasn’t home.

Now it’s December holiday.  It’s hot.  I leave work early.  They have friends over.  They want to swim.

I can’t keep on saying that they can only swim from 5 pm.  It’s not fair to punish them for something that they weren’t responsible for.  It’s not right that they have to tell their friends they can’t swim.  They can’t swim until after Prudence leaves, which will be just before their parents come to pick them up.

On the other hand, I do understand that this is upsetting for Prudence.  I do understand that it is opening wounds.  I get that and I wish I could protect her from further pain.  Heck, I wish it never happened.  That she still had her son.  I wish this was not an issue.

When is it okay, when has enough time passed before I can tell the boys to enjoy their pool, whenever they want to. For her I suppose never but I can’t forever tell them not to swim when she is here.

When?

UPDATE:

She came into my room this morning and apologized.  She said that she wasn’t willing to see my point of view (or that of the boys) and she gets that they have the right to swim.

I explained to her that maybe in time, as she hears them enjoy themselves, she will start to also associate the pool with good things.  I hope?

Anyway, I’m glad we could talk about it.  Yesterday she wasn’t willing to discuss it at all.  I couldn’t even sleep last night.

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10 responses

  1. The time was right! You can’t punish your sons for an accident!
    So sorry to hear about the loss!

    December 6, 2010 at 11:40 pm

  2. Whether your boys are swimming, or pointedly *not* swimming – for her – I don’t think it will make any difference. Your boys, your house, they should swim, and she should be allowed to see what responsible pool behaviour is. I think it was sweet and kind and amazing of you to consider her. Absolutely. But I am sure if she’s anything like my housekeeper, that she loves your boys too, and wouldn’t want to have them *not* swimming just because of her.

    December 7, 2010 at 9:00 am

  3. Claire

    Its always sad to hear about the loss of a child and I cant imagine what these people are going through. I can tell you though that I think you both need to sit down and be open about it. It sounds like you are making real progress with it. http://www.risingchild.com/group/viewdiscussion/119-Losing+Children?groupid=29 perhaps these people can help!

    December 7, 2010 at 11:41 am

  4. So jammer om te hoor van haar verlies. Miskien deur jou seuns te laat swem help jy haar om deur die rou proses te gaan en nie te vermy nie.

    December 7, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    • Dis hoe ek vanoggend dit aan haar verduidelik het. Ek is besig om daaroor te skryf. Ek is eintlik trots op haar

      Melany ت

      December 7, 2010 at 9:29 pm

  5. Hello, hello! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. And always so good to find another South African blog…yay!

    I am so sorry to hear about the drowning, how horrible and sad for all of you guys.

    December 7, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    • It is terribly sad. I cannot imagine how she must be feeling and how she actually goes on with life.

      Melany ت

      December 7, 2010 at 9:28 pm

  6. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult a situation this is. ((hugs))

    December 7, 2010 at 9:15 pm

  7. Ai Mel, haar seer sal nooit weggaan nie. Dis aaklige omstandighede maar jy kan nie jou kinders straf vir ‘n ongeluk nie.

    December 9, 2010 at 1:29 pm

  8. I can understand that she is battling to be okay with it.

    December 26, 2010 at 3:45 pm

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