Super Mom

How do I feel

I try not to feel.  That is my honest answer.  I don’t know how I feel because I hide it even from myself.  As soon as I try to think about it, I stop myself.  It is what it is and getting all emotional about it won’t help.

I do feel bad that it has affected Zander so much this whole term.  We did all his work but it always seemed rushed or not on schedule.

I feel bad that I was hardly in the office the last month.  It’s stressful times with tax season ending next week and I was not there to do my share.  My dad had to stand in and take a lot of the work on his shoulders.

My parents have done more than can ever be expected of them.  I don’t know how I would have coped without them this past month.

At this stage I just feel it’s unfair towards others.  I feel horrible when I see how upset other people are.

It still feels like people are making a bigger deal out of it than it has to be though.  I know my whole opinion about that will change once I start chemo but that’s how I feel now.  It felt like the operation was bigger than it had to be.  It’s as though in my mind it was just a tiny growth with no chance of it turning into something that anyone has to worry about.  As though it could have been dealt with , without anyone having to know.

Now it’s a big thing that will influence the next 8 months of my life, of my family’s lives.

I’m just writing down thoughts.  It feels so unreal that I feel so healthy now and I have to go make myself sick.  I’m willingly going to walk into oncology and get sick.  It’s just … surreal.

5 responses

  1. Mom

    Oh Melany I feel your pain and worries. Things will be okay. We will get you through this. Zander will also be okay. Don’t try and take on more than you can carry. Lean on the people around you who Love you and want to help. We Love you very much ❣️❣️

    November 17, 2017 at 9:18 pm

  2. Yes. Lean. Crawl. Cry. Scream…. but don’t pretend because it isn’t nothing. I love you so much.

    November 17, 2017 at 9:43 pm

  3. Kerry Rispoli

    I can’t get my head around approach this the way you know how..If there is a god and at times I wonder..he will see you through this with a positive recovery xxx

    November 18, 2017 at 1:00 am

    • Melany

      There is a God my dear Aunt Kez and that is why I have been able to handle all of this so positively xxx

      November 22, 2017 at 3:24 pm

  4. Isabel

    As your Mom said, lean on the people who are there to help and that offers to help. They wouldn’t if they didn’t want to. You are not an inconvenience on anyone – you are important to a lot of people. One day at a time – one-day-at-a-time! Much love and prayers from here! XOXO

    November 18, 2017 at 4:25 pm

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