Today, six months ago I had my last chemo treatment. SIX months. It feels like ages and yesterday all at the same time.
I look better. I have hair. I look healthy (fat but healthy) I look normal actually. People think I chose this crap hairstyle. Yes, crap because it’s still not near proper.
I’ve read an article lately. Just some extracts:
The pain, the scars are a constant reminder that I have changed so much. How could I not. But at the end of the day, I’m still me.
This is the part I’m struggling with now. On the outside I look healthy. You don’t look at me at the grocery store and make eye contact and think “Oh that poor girl, I bet she has cancer” On the inside though, I’m constantly reminded that I had cancer. In the shower, it’s all the scares. The weight gain. I don’t have … my body hurts all the time. I’m tired. I never forget I had cancer.
I fear that other people have forgotten, will forget and expect me to be back to normal. I fear that when I can’t focus at work or more recently forget everything because of chemo brain. It is not just a funny excuse. It’s real. That people are going to get mad at me. When I cancel plans because I am still so tired. All the time.
This is cancer. This is real. This is life after you ring the bell.
It’s not completely like that for me. I definitely don’t want pity, it’s not that I want others to feel sorry for me. I found some truth in it though. I have so many clients who actually thought I chose this hairstyle and they had no problem to comment on how it doesn’t look proper. Even though I just smiled, it hurt. I didn’t choose this.
I’m in pain. Every day. My legs are in agony thanks to the last chemo I had. I can’t stand long periods of time. I can’t walk far. I hide it. I don’t want sympathy. I hope that will get better.
I can’t breath. It’s like my one lung just can’t get enough air. I know that will get better.
I forget things…the names of things all the time. I feel so stupid. I know that will get better.
I’m tired. I’m always tired. I wake up tired. Go to bed tired. I know that will get better.
I do less than I used to. I know it will get better.
I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m still here. I get to be with my children. I get to spend time with them. I get to tell them I love them.
For that I’m hugely thankful. That’s what I focus on. Just don’t expect me to be 100%.
I’m not there yet.