Super Mom

Six months

Today, six months ago I had my last chemo treatment.  SIX months.  It feels like ages and yesterday all at the same time.

WhatsApp Image 2018-05-17 at 08.55.11

I look better.  I have hair.  I look healthy (fat but healthy)  I look normal actually.  People think I chose this crap hairstyle.  Yes, crap because it’s still not near proper.

I’ve read an article lately.  Just some extracts:

The pain, the scars are a constant reminder that I have changed so much.  How could I not.  But at the end of the day, I’m still me.

This is the part I’m struggling with now.  On the outside I look healthy.  You don’t look at me at the grocery store and make eye contact and think “Oh that poor girl, I bet she has cancer”  On the inside though, I’m constantly reminded that I had cancer.  In the shower, it’s all the scares.  The weight gain.  I don’t have … my body hurts all the time.  I’m tired.  I never forget I had cancer.

I fear that other people have forgotten, will forget and expect me to be back to normal.  I fear that when I can’t focus at work or more recently forget everything because of chemo brain. It is not just a funny excuse.  It’s real.  That people are going to get mad at me.  When I cancel plans because I am still so tired.  All the time.

This is cancer.  This is real.  This is life after you ring the bell.

It’s not completely like that for me. I definitely don’t want pity, it’s not that I want others to feel sorry for me. I found some truth in it though.  I have so many clients who actually thought I chose this hairstyle and they had no problem to comment on how it doesn’t look proper.  Even though I just smiled, it hurt.  I didn’t choose this.

I’m in pain.  Every day.  My legs are in agony thanks to the last chemo I had.  I can’t stand long periods of time.  I can’t walk far.  I hide it.  I don’t want sympathy. I hope that will get better.

I can’t breath.  It’s like my one lung just can’t get enough air. I know that will get better.

I forget things…the names of things all the time.  I feel so stupid.  I know that will get better.

I’m tired.  I’m always tired.  I wake up tired.  Go to bed tired.  I know that will get better.

I do less than I used to. I know it will get better.

I’m one of the lucky ones.  I’m still here.  I get to be with my children.  I get to spend time with them.  I get to tell them I love them.

For that I’m hugely thankful.  That’s what I focus on.  Just don’t expect me to be 100%.

I’m not there yet.

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