Super Mom

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The more people I meet, the more I love my dogs

That is printed on one of my shirts from Barking Mad.

Obviously not 100 % true but some people should be ashamed of how little they care for animals.  How little respect they have for others.

Last night Klerksdorp Raceway with the help of Ebersohn Towing ended their year and the hotrods racing with fireworks.  Fireworks are banned. Our city have said that if you want to set off fireworks, it can be done on the 31st at a location out of town.  I still don’t like it but it is at least better.

The Raceway however, is right next to the SPCA.  A shelter with already scared and abandoned animals.  Somehow they got permission for a fireworks display.

My parents and I went to the SPCA last night to help and keep the animals calm during the display.  The SPCA staff and a vet administered medication to try to keep the animals calm. It did help. Although even those who were in a deep sleep woke up when they started the fireworks.  Looked at me with fear in their eyes.  Those of us there all had a row of kennels.  We played music on our phones and talked to them.  Most of mine were okay.  Yet some were okay when it started but then fear overtook them and they would run to the back of there kennels, not to come out again.

That for 15 minutes of artificial light in the sky.

SPCA staff were great.  Thankfully the dogs did not try to claw themselves out of the cages or hurt their faces by trying to push out.

I really hope that next year they won’t get permission again.  Not right next to the SPCA.  It’s just not right.


Kyla

She might not be mine but I love her as though she is.

I might not see her often but I love her as though I do.

I might not be the one to take care of her but I care for her as though I do.

My Kyla is here!  I’ve known about this visit for a long time but I have said nothing.  Maybe scared that if I did, it wouldn’t happen?  Zander couldn’t wait.  Every morning he would ask me if it’s today.  Jason made it clear that he was very happy she’s coming to visit.  Quintus being older, just said it would be nice to see her.

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When she got here, she just jumped into my arms and told me how very glad she is that she can see me again.  How she has missed me.

Oh how we have missed her!  She has no idea.


Not a day goes by

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss Kyla.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Kyla.

Not a day goes by that I don’t worry about Kyla.

I miss her.

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Randomness

  • I love new stuff. Especially gadgets and stuff. I’m upgrading my data contract and I’ll have a new laptop by next week.  Why next week? We live in a small town.  There’s some positives and negatives regarding small towns but the positives far outweighs the negatives.  Bargain that I’ll get a printer too.
  • I might see Kyla this weekend.  I don’t want to get too excited, since I have not been able to speak to her for 2 weeks now.  Her gran is not answering her phone and I think it’s because Kyla is not in school.  She doesn’t want me to find out.  Her mom wants to fetch her this weekend though and said that obviously she can sleep over at our home one night.  I’ll be so glad to talk to her and hug her again.
  • I really didn’t have a good “mom” weekend.  I’ll have to make up for that this week.  The kids were generally driving me up the wall.  At least I’m not like that mom on last night’s Supernanny.  No slapping, pushing, detergents in the mouth and such.  Actually they should be thankful.  Okay, not really but still I’m not THAT bad.
  • I really want a new strap for my camera.  Like I said…I like new stuff :)  Love gifts, even if I have to buy them myself.
  • I don’t think I’ve mentioned that I now wear glasses permanently.  I continue sly take them off, just to compare.  I cannot believe how my sight deteriorated without my really noticing it.
  • I really cannot wait for the exams to be over and done with.  Thankfully only 3 more to go.

Trying to catch up with myself

I feel like I should be more relaxed but I’m not.  Just not yet.  I will be though.  I think Monday, when I realize things aren’t and doesn’t have to be that hectic, I will relax.  That is until I look at all the tasks on outlook and realize I scheduled too much for this week!

Quintus has survived his first week of tests.  I’m really proud.  He is studying hard and putting a lot of time and effort into it.  I’m trying not to push my expectations onto him.  I set a bench-mark for myself when I was a child and I’m careful not to do that with him.  I must say that when he got 84 % for maths, I did feel very proud.

Jason …. that child is way deeper than he gives away.  He scored full marks on his English test and studying seems to come effortlessly.  However,  I think many things bother him and he doesn’t talk about it.  That on the other hand doesn’t stop him from talking constantly about anything and everything.

Zander had an athletics day on Friday. He loved every second of it.  He is a very care-free happy little guy.  He has his moments of being upset if he is not the centre of attention but he is really a sweetie, that says I’m his bestest Mommy, especially when I bring him milo.

I’m truly blessed.  We have good friends, I don’t have any murderous negative thoughts towards Tommie, in fact we are at a really good place right now.  Our kids are healthy and mostly happy.

You know how you sometimes read about being so lucky because you have money in your pocket, an education and all of that.  Well it’s true.  We (I) worry too much.

Things tend to work out perfectly. 

Which brings me to Kyla.  I saw her last weekend.  She is staying at her Granny’s house now.  She seems very happy.  I speak to her regularly and sms her Granny often. 

Things tend to work out perfectly.


I’m so happy!!!

I’m so very very happy!!! 

I got a phone call this afternoon.  From Kyla’s granny.  She told me that Kyla is now with her and permanently in her care.  Apparently she has had enough of her being pushed from mom to dad to anyone in between.  She has now applied for legal guardianship and apparently by Friday it should all be settled.

She phoned ME!!! She let me know!!!  She knows how much I love and care for Kyla.  She said that she will have Kyla back in school on Monday.

I said that I really still want to be a part of Kyla’s life and she said that it’s no problem.  I sent her a photo of Kyla and the boys and she said that she will print it out and put it next to Kyla’s bed.

She sms’ed and apologized for not letting me know that Kyla is with her earlier.  She was worried about Kyla and just wanted to make sure that she is okay.  I think that Roszelle lied about many things and maybe she wasn’t sure where she stood with me either.

We have sent many sms’s up and down tonight and I feel SO calm about it all.  I’m so happy that Kyla is with someone who loves her and doesn’t want to use her as a pawn.  She says that Kyla is going to stay with her until she finishes school.  That she will not go back to stay with her mom or dad.  She’s tired of Kyla being hurt.

Have I mentioned how happy I am?


Small update

I’ve been rather quiet on the internet front.  I’ve been very sad and reading comments or talking about Kyla, just brought tears.

Today, for the first time since she left on Tuesday I could talk to her.  Okay…on speakerphone…and after being told not to ask ‘funny’ questions.

She sounds okay. 

Jason will phone her later tonight (he went birdwatching with my dad)

I will always worry about Kyla.  She is a part of our family.  At this stage I am hoping to see her once every holiday.  That’s what I’m hoping for.

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My heart is so sore

It’s very difficult for me to write this.  It’s tough to accept that parents are willing to hurt a child so.

Last night at 12:30am, Kyla dad’s came to fetch her.  He phoned me at 7:30 pm to tell me.  I told him that he can not pick her up in the middle of the night and that he can get her in the morning.  He threatened me with the police and I decided it’s not worth making a scene and upsetting her more.

I had to wake her up to tell her that he is coming to fetch her.  There was no time for her to greet her friends, her teachers …. nothing.  I got my boys out of bed to say goodbye.

They don’t understand and think that she is going to come back.

I still don’t know why and I am so worried for her.  I know that he has not enrolled her at school, so she is going to get behind on her school work.

I knew that she’ll go back.  I had an agreement that she would go back to her dad at the end of the year.  I would have had time to prepare her and the boys of her leaving.

I had no time to do so now.  She was just ripped away.  Taken from where she was happy.  She was so upset.  She didn’t want to go.

They don’t care for her emotional well-being.  They cannot because I don’t see how anyone would do this to a child that they love.

I’m hugely upset for Kyla.  I thought her dad cared but clearly he does not.  What will happen to her?  She has no stability.  Nothing.

My heart aches for her.


Friends

I just love their friendship.  It’s so sweet.

Zander still thinks I’m his favourite toy friend but these days, she sure comes a close second.

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Grade 1

Oh wow….who would have thought that Grade 1 homework could be this challenging!  Kyla believes, truly believes that homework is a) not that important and b) something she can’t do.

These days homework with the boys are fun, so quick and the put hard work into it.  Kyla…well, she’s supposed to do homework at aftercare.  I check her homework when we get home though and so far, she has never been able to do the homework, even though the aftercare teacher says that it was done …. and nogal done well too.

I will have to speak to the teacher about that.

We finally finished homework today and she did know all the words!  I was so proud.  I told her that she can do anything she wants as long as she believes in herself.

Kyla can.  That’s my new motto for her.

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Aftercare

I had to think of a way to make things work with Kyla.  I still want my boys to have ‘brother’ time.  I still want to be able to spend quality time with them.  I still want to do their homework in relative peace and quiet.

So, now Kyla will be in aftercare at school.  She has lunch there (that I pack).  They do her homework with her. She has lots of place to run and play and many friends to play with.  Just out of her Grade, they have 23 kids in aftercare. 

I think it will work out great.  Now, I think I must get her lazy ass mother and father to contribute to these expenses.


She’s back

I was shopping like a mad woman, when my mom and I decided to have coffee at the Wimpy.  We were almost on our way out, when Roszelle came crying towards me.  Now … let’s back track here…Roszelle left with Kyla in October last year.  Haven’t seen her since.  I’ve spoken to her and she was now a manager in Pretoria.  So seeing her was unexpected.  Seeing her crying was confusing.

I hugged her and then she showed me her engagement ring “It’s over”.  I wanted to shout!!!  I just knew she left because of a man.  She of course denied it way back when.  She told me she was going to go live with her Uncle in Pretoria.  So that she could pay off her debt and make a better life for herself.

Liar.

She upped and moved away from an as-good-as-she-can-get situation with Kyla, to run after a man.  URGH.  I suppose this man also didn’t want Kyla in the end because the last time I spoke with Kyla, she was living with her father.

So here she is, standing in front of me at the Wimpy.  I was going for coffee to get a break and instantly I had more stress.

I asked about Kyla and she said that she is going to fetch Kyla to come live with her.  I cannot believe how often this little girl is being pushed and moved from home to home.

I wanted to know exactly when and if she has enrolled her in school again.  I mean this little girl is going to Grade 1!!! On Wednesday!!!

Obviously she has not given this ANY thought.   Within 30 minutes , we had organized accommodation (nogal affordable, central and half proper) and Kyla was enrolled in school.  I got some second-hand school dresses from the school as well.

Now….how to get Kyla here.  She was planning on fetching her with a taxi.  You know the normal, no breaks, no lights, no license taxis.  Her dad lives roughly 330 km from here.  My parents being who they are, have now offered to fetch Kyla on Wednesday.  So she will miss the first day of school but there’s worse things in life.

Now if anyone lives in Middelburg and wants to bring her to Pretoria, that would be nice!


Kyla

Some of you have asked for an update on Kyla, or why I haven’t written much about her lately.

Kyla no longer comes to our house that often.  It was getting to my boys and they are my very first priority.  From the day we decided that she could come stay with us, I told the boys that if they felt it was disrupting their lives too much, we could discuss it again.

The situation did disrupt their lives.  We had a family meeting (really can’t like the sounds of that) and we discussed what the problems were and how to fix it.  For a while after that, we did try to change what we can and be accommodating but it wasn’t working.  I had to face the fact.

I thankfully had a lightbulb moment and realized that I could always pay someone to take care of her at her mom’s flat!!!  It’s been working perfectly.  Kyla is happy.  Her mom doesn’t have to worry about her.  The boys get to have their home and their relationship with each other back.

Do I miss having her around.  Of course.  Do I miss the drama that comes with her.  Not that much.  Her mom was starting to take HUGE advantage of me.  Phoning me to pick up Kyla from school (that is way on the other side of town) because she has visitors (which I only found out later).  Or asking me to take her to town, or pick up Kyla while she went shopping.  Kinda seeing me as her personal au pair.  I don’t do that well.

So, that’s where we are at with Kyla.  I feel this is the best outcome for all of us.

I didn’t have to turn my back and walk away.  The boys didn’t have to give up their personal space.


Right thing?

Tonight I’m feeling a tad depressed, sad.  Unsure if what I’m doing is right.

Since becoming a Mom, I have only had my kids best interest at heart.  My every decision was to make sure it was to the benefit of my kids.  I always want my children to feel loved, validated and happy.

I try to raise my boys to always respect others.   The rule in our house is, that if it doesn’t make another person happy, then you shouldn’t be doing it. 

Then I brought Kyla into their our lives.  After her coming to our house for a few weekends, her mom asked if we could take her every weekend and some nights.  I discussed this with the boys and with Tommie and we all decided that, yes it wouldn’t always be easy but we are willing to do so.

Some weekends have been better than others but mostly it has been okay.  Since the holidays started, it’s been really tough though.  She is with us every day and it is beginning to work on everyone’s nerves. 

The boys aren’t getting any ‘brother’ time.  They aren’t getting to just relax and chill. 

Kyla is acting up and is totally draining me.  It seems like a constant battle to keep the boys happy and her to behave well.

Am I doing the right thing?  Is it just worse because it’ school holidays and she is with us all the time?

I feel like I’m letting the boys down.  I hate feeling like that.  I feel like a bad Mom for expecting them to share their time with her.  I’m not used to this ‘bad Mom’ feeling to be honest. 

I tried to find a crèche’ for her for the school holidays but I tried too late and couldn’t get her into one that I think is proper.  I will definitely book ahead for the next holiday. 

I can’t just show her the way and wish her good luck as she walks away.  I’m not that person.

I don’t want to be a bad Mom either.


It’s not always sunshine and roses

Disobedient and pushing my buttons.  All the time.  That is Kyla at the moment.

She just won’t listen.  She is pushing her boundaries constantly.  It is exhausting.  It’s hard work to make sure I keep those boundaries where they are and not give in, not even once.  Not even when I’m in pain.

It is also more difficult when it is not your child.  When you know that child has little boundaries at home.I don’t like the constant ‘fight’ to get her to listen.

I hope she will learn quickly that back-chatting and her disobedient behaviour won’t be tolerated at our home.


It’s complicated

As we left a restaurant this morning, another mother stopped me.  
She wanted to know if they were all mine, at the same time telling me that they are so well behaved.  (So glad she caught them on a good day!)

I hesitated for a moment.  Not sure how to answer that.  Do I say no?  The boys are but  I share ‘unofficial shared custody’ with the little girl’s mom?  Which makes her my ‘some times’ foster child? Do I even try to explain that?

I the easy way out.  Just said yes.  Sometimes that is just easier.  But it’s so much more complicated than that.

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A moment

I have an understanding with the boys, that if they ever need some one-on-one time, they only have to ask and they will get it.  Ask for a moment and it is yours.  It’s not always easy to give all the kids the same amount of attention and some times the boys just need some time alone with me.  Just connect with me, without the others around me.

Tonight, Jason asked for a moment. We looked through a photography book, discussed the photos and why they were so good.  He has such an interest in photography.  I love sharing that with him.

Quintus asked for a moment. He wanted to know what happens at the end of the Bible…so off to the back page we went ;)  I used to do that (well, not with the Bible)  I used to read the last couple of pages and then the book.  Can’t stand the suspense!  Now I force myself not to.

Then Kyla asked for a moment.  All she wanted to do, was to tell me that it would be the bestest if she was one of my kids….


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“Mom!!!!  Kyla is bleeding!!!”

She wasn’t bleeding….blood was gushing out of her forehead.  I tried to get a good luck and then for a split second wish I did not.  She had a gaping hole right next to her eye.  I mean I could easily push my finger in there.  HOLE.

I got all the kids (and Quintus’ girlfriend) into the car, while helping Kyla to the car as well.  I rushed away from home so quickly that I didn’t even have time to lock the doors. 

Hazards on, driving towards the hospital, I was so thankful that we live a mere 3 km from there!

As I understand it, Quintus was going to hit a golf ball…had warned everyone to move away and Kyla didn’t move far enough.

You have no idea the way I felt.   I was so  stressed that I could barely write.  It was decided that they would try and close the hole in ER.  I (and my parents) were more than willing to pay for her to get surgery but the doctor was convinced that he could do the same job in ER.

She was such a strong little girl.  She was given drops for pain that also made her very tired, so that helped but she kept still for all that time it took to repair the wound.  Poor girl even told me to please tell Quintus she is sorry and that once her eye is repaired she will tell him herself. 

Jason was hysterical.  Hysterical.  I couldn’t calm him down.  Quintus was freaked out.  Completely freaked out.  I could see that he didn’t know how to handle what had happened. 

It took me an hour to get medication for her and then she fell asleep before I could even give it to her.  I’m sure she’ll wake up during the night though. 

I feel SO bad.  So bad.

I’ve included a photo of her sleeping now but do warn that it looks very sore.  (and is)

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Kayla

My mom and I sat down with Kayla’s mom over a cup of coffee this morning.  I needed clarification as to exactly what the situation is, why she cannot have Kayla home over weekends and why Kayla is not in Grade R.

Basically it’s her hours.  As I have said before.  She starts working at 06h30 in the mornings and only gets home at 15h00.  She has no-one to take care of Kayla during that time.   So she’ll stay with us on weekends.

As to the Grade R.  She can’t get a subsidy for Grade R, since it’s not compulsory (although it will be soon).  I feel strongly that she needs to do Grade R and my amazing parents have offered to help out with the school fees.

I will pick up Kayla every morning and take her to a different school than my boys.  She lives way too far to go to the same school as them.  Her mom will pick her up in the afternoons.  Boy am I ever going to be putting KM’s on my car now!  Tommie does not want me to do drop her off at school in the mornings.  This is one thing that bothers me too, as I do travel a lot as it is.  However, I don’t see any other option at the moment.

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Bad drop off Monday

Some mornings just suck more than others right?

Like stopping at the primary school.  Exhausted from begging the kids to get ready and in the car.  Happy to be there in time…. only to find all the other children were wearing school clothes.  Did my kids tell me?  Did they remember?  Did the fact that they had the athletics on Saturday maybe ring a bell for me?  Drive back home in a rush, get the clothes, drive back, while the boys get dressed in the car.  Make it just in time.

Kayla and Zander was still asleep when I left home, so after dropping my stuff off at work, I drove back home to pick them up.

Kayla told me in this little voice how she really didn’t want to go to crèche.  After dropping her off, I understand why.  It’s the first time I’ve seen where she stays during the week and in my opinion it’s a dump.  It’s not the fact that the paint is coming off from the walls and gate.  It’s not the fact that the lawn hasn’t been mowed in ages.  It’s how ‘dirty’ it looked when I walked in.  It’s how dark it is inside.  How the key was in the gate, with the kids hanging on to the gate.  How I could walk in and they didn’t even ask who I am.  I was so upset when I drove away from there. 

Then off to Zander’s school.  Where my baby boy clung to me.  Wrapped his arms around my neck and said “But I’m still so little”.  Oh man.


“Foster” parent I am

Remember this little girl?  I have spoken to her mom during the school holidays.  I explained that I want to do what I can, to help her keep her daughter.  I feel that a child should be with her parent as long as there is no abuse.  No abuse here as far as I could see. 

I did offer to help her if she needed someone to take care of her daughter while she is working.  She did and tonight K is sleeping here for the first time.

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It’s sad how she didn’t even know me and was more than happy to go with me.  How she asked if she could stay for three nights (instead of just tonight) just minutes after we got home.  Really sad how she has had two plates of food and then asked if she could have again just before bedtime.

She is so sweet though.  She has good manners.  I can like a child who says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.  She has been playing with Zander since she got here.  She talks … a lot.  As in more than me and Jason 🙂  She is also still not asleep even though it’s after 10 pm.

I have a feeling she will come here more often than just this weekend but we’ll take it one day at a time.


Update on my thoughts

I need to try and explain some things.

No.  I’m not adopting the little girl.  That was never the intention.  I will only foster her IF we should to decide to go that route and at this stage that is a big IF.  There is no way I’ll be taking that little girl away from her mom.  I’ll just be offering her a home, a warm bed, clothes and a full tummy.  I’ll give her stability.  More love.  And I say more love, since I’ll never keep her mom’s love away from her.

It’s a big IF though.  I want this young mother to think about this.  Really think about it.  Think about the implications for her and her little girl.  How this will affect her daughter.  Her 5 year old daughter will be moved from what she knows to a family that is completely different.  We’ll go through the system and she’ll have to run this by the father … I think. 

My ideal outcome for this?  It’s for us to find her a daytime job.  Where she can drop her daughter off at school in the morning and pick her up at normal hours like all other kids.  So that they can go home in the afternoons and spend quality time together.  I would like to set up a fund for them, so that the little girl will not go to bed hungry. 

THAT is my ideal outcome.  Whatever and however this works out, I just don’t want that little go to bed hungry or not know where she is going to go to sleep at any given night.


Hungry little girl

I have ALWAYS said that one day, I’ll adopt a little girl.  That’s my standard answer when someone asks me if we’ll try just one last time for a girl. 

Tonight while eating in our kitchen at Wimpy one of the waitresses asked that same question again.  I gave my standard answer.  We then continued talking about a friend of mine who might be adopting a little 6 year old girl.  We chatted for a while and then we left.

We were almost at the car when one of the waitresses came walking towards me and asked if she could quickly talk to me.  Immediate tears for her….I knew what was coming.

She’s a single mom.  Very VERY sweet girl.  I never even knew that she’s a mom.  She has a little girl that goes to sleep hungry many nights.  More tears.  She sometimes has to sleep at the creche’  because her mom works late hours like tonight.  She is desperately afraid of welfare taking her little girl.  Yet, she is realistic enough to know that she can’t keep on like this.

Wow.  Lots of tears from me.  I asked her what she would like me to do.  She cried cried and cried some more and asked me to give her daughter a home.  That she doesn’t want to give her away but she needs to give her a home.

Oh word.  More tears.  For that little girl with no stability or full tummy and for her mom with a heart full of love but empty wallet.

What do I do?  Do I get involved?  Put my heart out there and know that I’m just giving the little girl a home and stability but not a mom?  Can I do that?  Not be the mom?  Can I not get involved?  Just say ‘good luck with that’ and turn the other way?  That’s just not like me.

My heart is sore for that girl and her mom.