Super Mom

Epilepsy

Doctor …. what’s the point?

If you know me well, you will know that I don’t like going to a doctor.  I mostly don’t see the point.  More often than not I know what the problem is and get the necessary medication from our pharmacist.  Don’t get me wrong, I like our doctor.  I could never see myself going to anyone else.  I just don’t like doctors in general.

I’ve been on high blood pressure pills before.  Just as much as I don’t like doctors, I don’t like pills either.  I drink epilepsy meds every single day and would never stop that.  However, I did stop the blood pressure pills.

For the past couple of weeks I have felt as though my blood pressure might be high but didn’t worry about testing it.

Until last week Wednesday.  I had a horrible headache, my lips and eyes felt like they were on fire.  I knew this wasn’t one of my normal headaches. I asked my Dad to take my blood pressure and it was high.  I even fell asleep that afternoon and I have to be very sick before I sleep during the day.  Next morning it was still high and I was forced went to the doctor.

In the mean time I sommer took my dad’s blood pressure pills.  Don’t judge lol

So, back to my doctor.  He took my blood pressure and said I should continue with the same medication as my dad takes.  (I knew that)

He asked about my general health and my mom mentioned my bad back and constant ear problems.

He checked my ears and again said that I’m any ENT’s worst nightmare with my chronic ear infection.  I asked what could be done about this and he said that he feels really sorry for me but there is nothing one can do.  I even asked if I could have the nerves severed so that I have no feeling.  Yes, that is how bad the constant pain is.  He said it’s possible but he wouldn’t advice me to do it lol  I did explain that if they find me with my ear cut off, it has nothing to do with Van Gogh or anything.

He asked about my back…blah blah blah…reminded him of the disc that is non-proper and he mentioned that the only other option except surgery is to lose weight and strengthen the core muscles. 

My mom asked him if we could change my epilepsy medication since that is the cause of my weigh gain.  Especially since I eat less than my very thin Mom.  Ag shame…he just looked defeated and said no.  He knows that it causes weight gain but there is nothing else that I can use.

Lovely.  Nothing can be done about the ears, back and epilepsy pills will make me pick up weight since I’m allergic to all others.

BTW next time you see an over-weight person, don’t necessarily think it’s because they eat too much.

Why am I posting this?  So that next time I’m gatvol with my body, I know I have a reason lol  Or just to keep record or to get it off my chest. 


Staying home

If you know me real well, you will know that I don’t easily stay home when I’m sick.  I have a true believe that feeling sick at home and feeling sick at work is pretty much the same.  You will still feel sick.  At least at work, you get stuff done.  However, I’m not getting better and coupled with an epileptic attack, I’m not “firing on all cylinders” – like my sister-in-law said -  so maybe staying home is not such a bad idea.

As I’m sitting in bed though, I actually got thinking about this staying home thing. ‘

I’m home now.  It’s cold in the mornings, so that is a good thing.

However, this afternoon I have the kids run.  Zander has extra classes, Jason has tennis matches.  Quintus thankfully nothing for today.  I’m going to be out and about anyway. 

So I’m having a sick morning.  Back to full-time mom mode this afternoon.


I’m fat

Weight gain: Epilim very commonly causes weight gain, which may be marked and progressive. Patients should be warned of the risk of weight gain at the initiation of therapy and appropriate strategies should be adopted to minimise it (see section 4.8 Undesirable Effects).

Not only am I the girl who has epilepsy (which is really not that bad), I’m also now the fat girl (and that is bad)

I really really battle with this.  I battle to cope with it and to even remotely like the ‘outside’ me.  My body.  I have no problem with ME, just the package.

Unfortunately having epilepsy (which is not so bad) is the main reason that I’m now fat (which is bad)

I have tried other medications.  They don’t work.  Epilim (the evil purple pill as it’s called) does.  It keeps my seizures under control but not my weight.

Now I can choose to be overweight and have seizures under control or be thin and not have them under control.

The weird thing is that people don’t see my seizures.  So it being under control or not, is mostly something only I know.  People see me being overweight though. That is not something that I can hide although I sure wish I could hide me.

I don’t want this anymore.  I don’t want to be this anymore.  I want to be thin again.

I couldn’t decide if I would post this or not.  Then I thought about how I am true and real on my blog.  This is me.  This is just not how I want me to be.

I suppose I could loose weight.  I could eat less, excercise more.  Just like the general public out there.  It’s not the same though.

When you go diet medication to diet, it aids you losing weight.  It suppresses the hunger.  It increases your metabolism.

The evil blue pill … well it increases your hunger and decreases your metabolism.

Not exactly the easiest way to be on a diet.

I’m truly down and depressed….. I don’t like being down and depressed…..


Explosion in my brain

Stress is one of my triggers for epileptic attacks.  I think it’s my body’s way of coping.  Instead of killing people getting upset or crying, I sommer have a little explosion in my brain.

I just had one and now my skin is ultra sensitve unlike my husband.


What a day

Starting with me almost losing the extension of my arm my cellphone.  Not too bad.  Found it in the shop again.

Me feeling ‘uncomfortable’ for the first time ever, when I drank my epilepsy medication and a client asked what it’s for.  Just felt very uncomfortable…almost looked down upon when she asked.  I suppose as though she felt sorry for me.  Thought less of me.

Then the biggest shock…11 ministers resign.  Including my all time favourite Minister of Finance.  I heart that guy.  I truly believe that he is the reason why our country has gone from major debt crisis to where we are now.  I got the News Alert e-mailed and stopped breathing for a few seconds.  Already planning where I’m going to go.  Which country will I start looking at.  Apparently it may NOT be that bad and they may be reappointed by the new president.  In this country though….who knows.

Then as I leave work with more work in my car to do at home, I make the error of shouting at reprimanding my kids and reversing at the same time.  I reverse way too closely to a client’s car and scrape the side of both our cars.  Now I have a little bit of his maroon paint on my car and he some white of mine.  Now if only we really liked each other one could say our cars merged.


I’m just depressed

Hi.  I’m Melany.  I’m depressed.

URGH.  Hate that.  I’ve been fighting the feeling.  Trying to wish it away.  Imagine it away.  Push it away.  I can’t.  I’m depressed.  Even though I’m aware of it.  Even though I don’t want it.  It’s here.  I’m depressed.

I’ve been through depression before.  I didn’t cope well.  I need to cope better this time.

I know hope it’s caused by the increase of medication.  I had to double my epilepsy medication and depression is one of the side – effects.  So while I’m no longer getting one attack upon the other, I’m depressed. 

I hope that when my body adjusts to the dose, I will be depressed no more.

I couldn’t decide if I should blog about this or not.  Depression is very personal.  I’m a very proud person (and no, I don’t think it’s a good thing).  I don’t like to admit to ‘weakness’.  I want to feel in control of my life.  Good enough.  More than good enough.  Admitting to being depressed is admitting to a weakness.  A weakness that many people feel is something one can just ‘snap’ out off.  Not true.  So I try to hide it.  Smile and wave and all of that.  Can’t help how I truly feel though.

I’m just depressed.  I hate that.

BTW I have the type of epilepsy where other people won’t even notice I have an attack.  It’s just my brain having a bit of an electrical storm.


Brain

Dear Brain

Please stop.   I’m tired.  Not just tired of the attacks but tired because of the attacks.  Just give me a break okay?

Please

The rest of me


I need it

PMS and too many epileptic attacks equals a very very strong need for chocolate.  I don’t know why but if I have an attack I want chocolate.  Not like crave but NEED.  PMS and chocolate goes together like babies and sleepless nights.

Did I buy a chocolate today?  No.  I don’t buy myself chocolates.  I don’t know why.  I just don’t.  I can be so weird sometimes.


Epilepsy

My epilepsy attacks seem to come in waves.  When they hit, it just keeps on coming.  Many.  Over and over.  Like a bad day on the sea.  Making me feel sea sick.

Lately I have been having too many attacks.  Normally one early in the morning just after waking up, making sure the rest of my day I will be fucked  feel tired and sometimes just a tad unsure of what is going on around me.  Not that I don’t know but I seem to need to force myself to think more clearly.  Kinda like having a hang-over.  You are okay, just not as sharp as a minora blade.

Last night at gym I actually felt so weak and …. can’t really explain the feeling … that I just left.  I went home and couldn’t wait to reach the bed and just lie there. 

I’m already on a high dosage anti-epilepsy medication.  I’m not sure if I want to increase it or not.  I’m under stress and that is a huge contributing factor.  I know that as soon as all those evil papers files around me has been completed and submitted I will start feeling less stressed and most probably have less attacks.  Hopefully none.

Just for interest sake.  When I have an attack I have one of two things happening.  Some feel as though an invisible hand has gotten hold of my brain and is just shaking it from side to side. I’m capable of having a conversation and acting completely normal.  No-one will realize that I’m actually having an attack. However I normally can’t recall what exactly was going on once the attack is over.  This leaves me tired and mostly with a headache and I feel as though I can’t speak normally (although I do)

Then I have one that I prefer lol I feel as though I’m floating up and everything is just down there.  I know what’s going on and I can recall everything after the attack.  I am normally tired after that too but not as badly as the first type.

Very interesting this epilepsy.  There is never a dull moment in my life. 😉


Medication

NEVER let me run out of my medication again.  I have had so many epileptic attacks this week because of a lack of sleep and not having my meds.  It’s just ridiculous.

While we are on the topic of epilepsy.  Why on earth do people think you have a mental problem if you have epilepsy?   Gosh you can’t even see when I have an attack but if I mention that I have epilepsy people tend to move back a little and look at me as though it is contagious. 

Us people – we all tend to point and laugh hey.


Predictable

At least it’s predictable.  My epilepsy that is.  Tired or stressed and it’s is bound to step in and make an appearance.  I can’t complain though.  It’s not like a get it badly.  Actually it kinda feels like I’m transported to an area just above the real world…kinda like looking down on everything.  Not bad – a high without drugs.

Why am I stressed…  Work.  Always work.  Really it can’t be right.  All this working. 

“I don’t want to work all day

I want to sing and play” – The three little pigs