Super Mom

Marriage

16 Year

When we got married 16 years ago, two of our friends said that we would never stay married.  That they actually couldn’t believe that we stayed together long enough to get married! I think many more thought the same thing.

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Yet, here we are 16 years later.

Even a councillor told us to get divorced lol  On different trains we were an all.  We must have gotten off at the same platform because here we are.  Sixteen years later.

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We’ve had some serious bad times but we learned from it. We’ve grown to love each other probably more now than when we got married.  We have fixed broken hearts.  We have spent some pretty amazing times together.

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I love you.  Thank you for the past 16 years.  For our 3 amazing children.  For putting up with me (need counselling yet?)


Marriage

Some general questions about marriage that I asked the boys

How do you decide who to marry?
Quintus: You must know her well. Take her on a date. Get to know her values, culture, heart and believes.
Jason: Someone who is friendly, helpful, sweet….and she must love to braai.
Zander: Will look for someone at school.

What is the right age to get married?
Quintus: 22
Jason: 28
Zander: 18

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
Quintus: They would hold hands.
Jason: If they walk together with their arms around each other.
Zander: If a woman walks next to a man

What do you think your Mom and Dad has in common?
Quintus: They are both Christians. They love us.
Jason: They both love us.
Zander: They both like cars (?) and each other.

What do most people do on a date?
Quintus: Get to know each other better.
Jason: Flirt with each other.
Zander: Kiss

What would you do on a first date that turns sour?
Quintus: I would apologize but if I really like her, I would ask for another chance. Not all relationships are the best right from the first date.
Jason: Play along but on the way home, I will tell her it won’t work out.
Zander: That is a difficult one. I will ask her if we could rather go home.

When is it okay to kiss someone?
Quintus: If you have been in a relationship for a long time and she makes the first move.
Jason: When you get married.
Zander: When you are married.

Is it better to be single or married?
Quintus: Married because then you have someone you know and love who will stand by you.
Jason: Married
Zander: Married

How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?
Quintus: The world would be a dull place.
Jason: There would be no more children.
Zander: That would just be sad.

How would you make your marriage work?
Quintus: I would buy her chocolates and roses and make her coffee. I would take her on a lot of trips.
Jason: I will take her on a special honeymoon. I will never forget our anniversary. Most importantly I will help with the children.
Zander: I will cook. Take the children to school. My wife wouldn’t have to do anything. Like my dad now (lol)


Deep thoughts for a young boy

Quintus has always been mature for his age. Wise beyond his years.

He has two very close friends. One lost his dad to cancer last year. The other friend’s parents got divorced.

This has had such a huge effect on him. He was close to his friend’s dad that past away. Obviously with Tommie’s cancer last year, that was a worry. He seems okay with it now.

However divorce has been on his mind allot lately. He mentioned to my mom that people get divorced because they aren’t honest with each other. Very true and insightful coming from such a young kid.

I took them to the movies today and he asked why I spoil them so. Do I have bad news that I must share with them? He lives in fear that we will get divorced.

That is just so sad.


Home alone

Tonight I’m home alone with the boys.  Nothing new or weird about that.  Tommie has been sleeping out a lot lately. 

I’m very (and maybe too) independent.  I don’t need to have my husband home.  I don’t mind doing all the stuff myself.  I don’t get scared because he is not home.  I just do what needs to be done.

Tonight though, tonight I miss him.  Tonight I would have loved to have him home.  I have had better days.


10 %

Fourty years ago my parents got married.  Fourty years ago.  That’s many years.  Many nights.  Many days.  Many children.  Many fights.  Much laughter.

They truly are an inspiration…..or one should feel sorry for them for not giving up! 

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My mom asked my dad to give her a percentage of happy / not-so-happy years.  My dad says he’s been happy 90 % of the time.

I asked Tommie (Ek meen ek moet mos nou weet) and my dad warned him not to say anything (see he learned something in those 40 years!)

So happy anniversary Mom and Dad.  You guys are amazing.


The anniversary that was

 

I have been looking forward to our 10th anniversary for 10 years.  We never got to take the honeymoon we wanted (MIL wanted us to have a traditional wedding, not the quick wedding in a chapel and off on a boat trip) so I wanted to have it now.  On our 10th anniversary.

I didn’t even hint.  I flat-out told my husband that I wanted to go on a boat trip and I wanted a new diamond ring.  I gave him many years to save up for this.  The closer it got to our anniversary though, the more I saw my dream float away over the say, taking my diamond ring with it.

So I booked us into a 4 star bed and breakfast.  The way they advertised themselves, it seemed like the perfect place to go.  Worth the price to pay. A night that we will cherish and remember.

The room looked stunning.  The view breathtaking. 

We drank champagne on our private balcony.  Enjoyed each other’s company, without the children demanding more attention than we often have to give.

I gave him my anniversary gift.  A new wedding ring.  It has three tiny diamonds in it.  One for each of the children we have.

I got nothing. We took a romantic bath (I mean with a view like that, how can it NOT be romantic) and talked and talked and talked some more. 

It was after THAT, that we started to realize this was only a 4 star hotel based on the view.  That’s it.  I opened up our towels…they were supposed to be white….they were not.  Kinda seemed like they were used to clean dirty baths at some stage.  There were spiderwebs, with spiders.  I got a dirty plate.  Mosquitoes…yes, not their fault but goodness, they could at least clean the ceiling where people have killed them before.  Blood marks just ain’t sexy.  Tomorrow morning I will be contacting their owner.  I am not impressed.

We did enjoy the break.  Getting away.  It just didn’t live up to our expectations.  We were glad to be back home.  We missed our loud boys.


Weddings

Next week Friday is our 10th wedding anniversary.  Every time I go to a wedding (and I’m sure all married couples do ), I look back on that day in my life.  That day when I said “I do”.

At that moment, I don’t think of the the years there after.  The ups and downs.  I think of that day.  The church, the ceremony, the flowers, the reception.  The DAY.  When I look back at that day, I wish it was different.  I wish the ending could be changed. 

My wedding started out just fine.  I felt pretty.  Everyone was happy for us.  We had a very special ceremony, with our minister giving a sermon that I will never forget.  It was really lovely.  The reception was very relaxed…the way we wanted it to be. 

We left before most other people as we were going to travel well over 1 000 km the next day.  When we got back from the honeymoon, we found out that a fight broke out after we left.  My dad (the most peace-loving man on earth) tried to break up a fight, when a fuckwit very young 18 year old, decided to break a bottle on my dad’s head.  Yes, hitting my dad with a beer bottle.  We got back 10 days later and my dad was still purple and blue where he was hit…his ears still blue.  His suite and my moms dressed ruined with blood.  I was pissed off.  I was sad that it was my dad.  My dad that would never get into a fight.  I was upset that MY wedding, my special day turned into that. 

Now when I think back at my wedding day, that’s what I remember.  I always remember the fight.  It took me 7 years to forgive the fuckwit then more mature man.  I have since come to realize that he was young.  That he really feels sorry.  We even had a good time together this weekend, at the wedding that turned out to be perfect.  It doesn’t change my wedding.  It doesn’t change that day.  No he wasn’t the only one involved but he is the one who had so little respect for my dad, the one that pulled my dad into it.

Anyway, let’s more away from that.  My memory is there.  Nothing will change that. 

Thankfully that was my wedding day.  Friday is also the day we have been married for 10 years.  That is not the same thing.  Thinking about being married for 10 years, THAT’s looking at where we are now.  Ten years later.  The ups and downs.  Many many downs.  The fight we have both put up to still be together 10 years later.  To still find love, when we think there is no hope.  THAT’s when I think of being married for 10 years.

While looking at my 10th wedding anniversary brings sadness and anger still, I feel completely different when I look at having been married for 10 years.

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Communication

As with most Internet addictsusers, a huge part of my daily communications are done via the Internet.  Be it with e-mail, blogging, facebook, message boards or whatever.  Business and personal.

I read Kelly’s entry on how she found old e-mails that she had sent to her husband.  How he had kept all of them.  Documenting, in a way, their love and relationship as it had grown.

It made me realize that I miss that kind of correspondence with Tommie.  He is not into electronic communications at all.  He hardly sends or responds to text messages (I may be somewhat addicted to that).  He doesn’t have e-mail!  Really.  No seriously, he doesn’t.

I think we would have a better relationship if we communicated via e-mail.  He may be more open with his feelings and I think I would maybe make more sense?  Yes, we could write but come-on.  Who does?

Maybe I could try to set up e-mail on his cellphone but I don’t think he would respond.  He doesn’t even have his mms activated so that I could send him photos.

I’m not saying it’s right or wrong that he doesn’t have an electronic means of communication, it’s just that I wish he did.


Hold on

He may not always do it the right way, say it the right way or show it the right way. But then neither do I.

We should have given up a zillion times. Many times I have said, just one more day and then seen those days blur into years.

He has been hurt by me. I have been hurt by him. Emotionally I have divorced him so many times.

Somehow though, somehow he finds a way to make me realize that despite our differences, despite the fact that we come from different worlds and totally have the odds against us, we do still love each other. That giving our children a home together is better than going at it alone.

Love is a very strong and unrealistic emotional. It’s also a very real decision.


Married vs Single

I was born into a family where we always went on holiday together.  Where we were a unit.  A crazy unit at times but a unit.  I don’t remember times when my dad went on holiday without us or my mom.  They  never went on holiday without the other.  Business trips but not holidays.

Tommie is going away for the coming long weekend.  Without me.  He went hunting last year.  Without me.  His very first trip without me was when we just got engaged.  Then just before we got married and from there on out probably once a year.

Now I’m guilty of this too.  I have gone on long holidays without him.  However those were normally when we were going to get divorced through a tough time.

I mentioned this morning that we should go away for the long weekend, when I found out he had already made other plans.  How is that right?  How does he live such a separate life that he has already booked the chalet and asked one of our friends to go with?

It hurts.  Not him going away.  Although in reality that hurts too.  I want us to do things together.  We are married.  That’s what we decided to do.  It hurts that he lives such a separate life that I don’t know at all what he does and when.


Just the same

I just realized that I treat my body in pretty much the same way as I treat the silence in the house.

I haven’t been to gym almost all year.  Shocking I know.  So what do I do to make up for this?  I starve myself all morning long.  By lunch time I eat cause I’m starving and I’m at my folks house and my mom makes awesome food.  By the time I get home my body is just so thankful that it got food in the first place that it goes completely haywire and has anything and everything that is edible.

Now see.  That’s the silence in our home.  Silence for days weeks.  Then all of a sudden some words exchanged and I talk back.  Cause I hate the silence and my kids don’t need this crap.  Then by night time I’m just SO thankful that everyone is having normal conversation that I never bring up the real issues in case it brings back the silence again.

I remember as a child I had this dream so many times.  I would see two lines moving towards each other.  Not directly but very slowlymoving towards each other.   Then just as they get close, everything goes haywire.  All of a sudden there’s a million other lines that cross each other at a huge speed and seem to roll into one huge mass of lines.  Eventually the mass will disappear and there will be two lines.  Moving towards each other.  Slowly.

I think that dream is like life.  Everything goes smoothly.  Slowly.  At a steady pace.  Then things go absolutely haywire very quickly.  Now for some unknown reason the silence is broken and I’m just thankful for that.

It’s not right but it’s better than the silence.

 


Regardless

 

No matter what. Regardless of what is going on in my life. These guys, these guys that I chose to bring into my life, they deserve the best.

I cannot base a decision just on me and what I need. I need to take into account what they need too. Not just what they need though. What we need. Me and my little guys.

That doesn’t necessarily include staying. Also doesn’t mean that I should leave.

My friends feel that leaving is long overdue. I know many of my friends would have left by now and if I were to think of myself only, so would I. Or maybe I’m just a coward. Maybe I’m just too afraid to accept that I should leave. That I will knowing hurt another person by calling it quits. That I use the kids as an excuse.

Maybe I take his feelings into consideration more than he does mine. Maybe I am so thankful for the little times when things are good that I push the bad to one side.

However. I think I’m being unfair to me and probably ultimately to my boys. This is not how I want them to think what a marriage should be. I also don’t want them to think that one can just quit. Walk out and not look back.

I have never been good at making decisions . . . .


Don’t know what is worse

Him reading the newspaper after I opened up my heart and emotions or him walking over it after I opened up my hearts and emotions.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

 


Quickles update

Currently things are a bit hectic in my life.  Let me explain:

My laptop broke Important things first right?.  I have put in a claim with the insurance company and if everything goes according to plan that is so funny! I should get another one tomorrow.

I have Wenchy’s Kevin here for the school holidays (Wenchy pretty please let him stay the last week?)  I love having him here. He is like my own son.  He is also a typical techno crazy teenager.  As soon as I walk into the house, my cellphone is no longer mine.  I have to steal take it back from the side of his bed in the morning when I leave.  The same with my laptop (when it was still alive)

Said Kevin has also fallen in love.  With Linda’s daugter.  Both the kids call my mom.  They have called me ‘mom’ for a long time.  Now my ‘children’ are in love.  With each other.  Very interesting when we walk in town and they both call me ‘mom’.  They spend all the time a lot of time at my house.  I spend a lot of time spying checking up on them.  Like Quintus told them “You have a butt, sit on it”.  Now lying.  No spending time in the rooms.  No kissing in front of the kids (which I suppose means they never get to kiss since my boys are with them almost all the time lol)

My folks bought a new business.  I’m very excited for them.  This has however put a lot of stress on us.  We have been spending many hours in the shop and not here at work trying to get everything up and running.  Working late nights and like last night, that night ended up being in the dark thanks to load shedding. 

The crying fit I had last week meant nothing … 

Quintus is playing in a golf tournament where he plays every Tuesday and Thursday.  See all the spare time I have?  Yes….I spend that on the golf course.  His support team is there all the way.

So things are a tad bit busy.  I must share this with you though.  I must end with what an awesome brother I have. 

Yesterday, for example (there’s many many times like these) Quintus was having a hard time on the golf course. Getting very upset with himself.  So I phoned Michael to just talk to Quintus over the phone.  My brother decides though that he can do so much more than a prep talk. He’ll just ride all the way to the golf course and walk a couple of holes with him.  Giving him a bit of advice and just generally get him to enjoy it more.  Quintus immediately changed his attitude and enjoyed the last three holes. 

Pure gold this brother of mine.


My heart hurt so much that my eyes cried

This is me tonight.  Just like that.  My heart hurt so much that my eyes cried.  The words came out without me even knowing it would.  Without planning.  Without thinking.  I couldn’t stop until the crying forced me to.

I don’t know if it will change anything.  I don’t know if it was heard.  I don’t know if it will bring a change in our relationship.  I don’t know if what I said was right or wrong but clearly I had no control over that.  It just poured out.  The words and the tears.

I know I cried and wanted to be held and wanted my world to be fixed.  

Sometimes you don’t get all that you want.  But you have to live in hope.


He came home

Tonight I’m just tired.  Exhausted.  Not physically.  Emotionally. 

Part of it is the fact that I really wanted to go on vacation today.  I am tired.  We haven’t been on vacation this year and I need a break.  I was hoping that all my work would be done so that I wouldn’t have to work again until next year.  No such luck.  I have four more client’s VAT to do, which is probably a week’s worth of work.  Hence the reason  I’m sitting here working at 9 pm.

The other reason is that marriage sucks isn’t easy.  Partnerships go well if both pull in the same direction.  Not when one partner doesn’t come home and doesn’t have the common decency to phone and say so.  No apology. 

Fuck off.  I don’t have the energy for this.


Supermom sex?

I find it very funny how many men want to have sex with a supermom.  You all know how you can pick up how people found your blog, right?  Well every single day I get at least 4 hits of someone searching for something along the lines of ‘supermom sex’.

Well…let me tell you one thing.  Being a supermom kinda makes it difficult to have lots of sex.  Even when your two oldest boys are with their grandparents.  Especially when you husband forgets to lock the door and your brother walks right on in and your said husband is running through the house naked.

Don’t ask. LOL


Timing

Some times, just some times, timing sucks.  Timing causes me to blog about stuff I might not if I had to time to sit down and think about it.  I’m an impulse blogger *Is there such a thing?*  I hardly ever think what I’m going to write ahead of the time.  I blog about whatever is on my mind.

Tonight I am just pissed off.  I feel like I live a family life and my husband lives his own.  I get to be the heart of the family and he gets to join the family when he wants to.  

From the moment I wake up, till the moment I go to sleep if I get to sleep I  I get to be in the family.  I don’t have a life outside of it (unless you want to count my time at the gym).

He doesn’t.  He wakes up and has 10 minutes of family time before he leaves to work at 6:30.  There he is a single person right up till he comes home at night at 6 pm.  He doesn’t have to worry about the kids and all their activities, pain, hugs, kisses, appointments, play dates or anything…till he gets home again.

Oh wait…that’s not what I was going to bitch about.  (See wrong timing)

He just bought a new bakkie today.  Just like that.  No discussion.  Just a casual mention during a advert break.  Kinda like telling me he bought candy today.  Just a casual mention.

Am I upset that he bought the bakkie?  No not really.  Am I upset that he seems to have a life completely separate from mine?  YES.  Hell yes.  How do you buy a new car and NOT let your wife know!?  How do you live such separate lives that you don’t share that?

Like I said.  He just joins our lives when he chooses too.   


Random facts

I have been tagged by Joni to share 7 random facts about me.  Since I’m always kinda upstream, I’ll make it 7 random facts about my family.

  1. We like to ride around.  Especially if it rains.  If we haven’t taken a road trip over a weekend, it just doesn’t feel right.
  2. We love breakfast at the Wimpy.  Also dinner.  Also in between.  Just coffee.  Any time.
  3. We co-sleep.  We don’t mind having the kids in our bed or in our room.  They actually have a ‘weekend bed’ in our room.
  4. The boys have an amazing relationship.  They are like best friends.  They just seem to ‘get’ each other and really care for each other.  They obviously have their moments but mostly they are good friends.
  5. Sundays are lazy days.  Tommie plays golf and the boys and I do nothing.  We can easily still be in our pj’s at 11 am.
  6. We like shopping.  All of us.  Even if it’s just ‘window shopping’.
  7. We LOVE music.  When we get into the car after a hectic morning before school, just 1 song can fix all up.  Smiles all the way.  Even Zander can bob to the music and ‘snap’ his little fingers in his own special way.

Just one last thought…. What is frustration?  Having a husband with an extremely sore knee and me having a really sore back and totally being the mood.


Do not disturb

Last night for the first night in 3 years Tommie and I slept out without the kids.  My amazing mom and dad took the boys for the night and we took off to a gorgeous lodge only 25 minutes from home.

We had barely settled in our room and had not even seen the lodge when I get a call from our security company closely followed by a neighbour.  The alarm was going off at home.  No-one has keys to the house note to self “Make copies of the house keys!” so we drove back to put off the alarm.   We made it back JUST in time for dinner.  Which was delich by the way.

In the mean time – just to add to mommy guilt – Quintus was sick.  I was leaving my sick child with my parents.  Do you know how much relaxation you get when you feel guilty?

I must admit though, that it was awesome.  It was great to talk.  Just the two of us.  When you have three kids, you will understand that talking is difficult.  You can never get a word in edge ways when you have kids.   

It could also have been the first night in 2 years that I have slept through but Tommie’s phone woke us in the middle of the night lol

Was still good though.  A break from 5 pm till 8 am the next morning.  It was just what we needed. 


Cheers

Today is our wedding anniversary. Wow. We made it to 9 years. Every year I am amazed that we made another year.

Tommie and I go through many many ups and downs in our marriage. We will probably continue to do so. Yet, we are still together. In many ways he has settled for me and I have settled for him. We both know that. Maybe we aren’t a perfect match but we look beyond that and look at our family and realize that whatever the issue, we need to work it out. We need to stay a family.  Look beyond just the two of us, to our family.  Not just for the kids alone but us as a family.

Tommie, for all the times you have forgiven me – Thank You. For all the times you drive me to the brink – I forgive you.  Thank you for trying the be the man I want you to be. Thank you for the three amazing little boys we have.

You and me – we should write a book. We most definitely don’t have the perfect marriage but we do know how to hang on.

We sure have endurance.

I still love you Babe.


Going out

I need to vent. 

It seems as though me being overworked and under stress always co-insides with my husband needing to get out.  Instead of helping me out, he opts to go out.  Off he is to the hot-rods tonight.  I’m left at home alone with my kids and a heap of work that I was hoping I could start tonight.

THEN on Sunday he is also away – golf at Sun City.  I wonder when I thought I would actually have the time to do any of that loads of work I brought home.

I mean somewhere there must be time to hug a child, read a story, throw a ball.

Think I need to breath.  Take a long bath.  Tackle tomorrow, tomorrow.


Over worked and under papers

That’s what it should say.  Not over worked and under paid.  Over worked and under papers.  This is just one tiny spot on my desk.

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And it keeps on growing.  Is like weed or something. Then I have this heap of files and papers and maybe even a cat with her babies on the floor behind me.  This is not because I can’t keep my office neat (that would just not be proper) but I don’t have place to put all the heaps of stuff that keeps on coming in to my office.  By ‘stuff’ I don’t mean the clients.

I think I may be drowning in paper.  Is that even possible?  Then we don’t have a maid at work/my folks house.  Which means that my most amazing mother (who has the most patience I have ever seen with little monsters kids) is all alone in the house with my many children.  Extra stress for me there.  I work and feel guilty cause I’m not helping out.  I help out and feel guilty and stressed because my work is just piling up.

Tonight with me having PMS and my husband having a bit of PMS (Pissy man syndrome) himself, I just realized that having a penis comes with privileges.

  • You go to work.
  • The kids are not your problem and will most probably not be when you get home.  You don’t care if the nanny isn’t there.  You don’t care if they need to go to extra classes.  You don’t care if they need to be fetched even if you have a client in front of you who won’t leave. You don’t care if they need to go to the doctor and you don’t really have the time.
  • You get home and your knee is sore.  Okay.  So a bit of a couch for you.
  • Your wife makes you coffees.
  • Your wife sits and does homework with YOUR son and that is only finished at 7 pm.
  • Your knee is still sore so more of the couch for you.
  • Your wife makes food since she can’t send the kids to bed without.
  • While making food she baths and dresses the littlest baby.
  • She goes back and works while you do more couch lying.

No offer of coffees.  No offers for help.  No.  Couch.

I tell you.  Having a penis comes with privileges.  You only do things when you feel like it and then you expect to be thanked for it. 

 This is not directed at all men, since according to Wenchy not all men are dogs.  Some are pigs.  Don’t take this personally.  I’m tired.  My back is sore.  Everything IS my job and I don’t get thanked for it.  I have PMS and a sick baby – again.  So.  Relax.  I’m not directing this at you.  Just getting it off my chest.  Tomorrow I may love all men in general again…who knows.


Positions

Tonight while buying milk en so, I saw the Cosmopolitan on display.  The 101 sex positions caught my eye.  We’ve been married for 9 years already and I thought 100 some new positions may just be interesting to look at.

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However.  We laughed so much.  So much.  Tommie would comment on how ‘this’ position can only be done by a very thin man.  Or I would say how I worry about ever being able to walk again after some.

I think we may just stick to those that works for us lol