I have some health issues going on at the moment and I thought that we had been pretty good about not talking much around Zander. The older brothers are supportive and old enough to understand that it might end up not being anything serious any way, so they know. Kyla and Zander know the bare minimum.
Zander is very much a mommy’s boy. He also gets anxious easily. Which is why we try our best not to let him know what’s going on. At least not until we know what is going on ourselves.
He was lying next to me in bed tonight when all of a sudden he said that he will commit suicide if I died.
My heart stopped.
He is 11 years old and he even thinks about it! Of course I immediately said that I plan on living 113 years. That he does not have to worry about anything happening to me. He said that he won’t have anything left to live for if I die. I told him that by the time I am 113 he will have great grandchildren whose names he can’t remeber. He will have a lot to live for.
I don’t know if this is just something that crossed his mind now? I am wondering if it could be because Tommie’s cousin just passed away unexpectedly. However we didn’t discuss that in front of him either.
I mean we could all die right now. There are no guarantees in life. I just hope I get to live until an age where he doesn’t feel I am all he has to live for.
Sometimes I am at a loss of words, unsure how to make him less anxious.
I can’t believe he said that. I can’t believe he even thinks about that.
I have come to realize that what that stresses me out most is time.
I detest it when I’m rushed for something. Getting someone somewhere on time. Waiting for a client who is late.
Our days are so much calmer now that I home-school. No time problem with helping Zander with all his homework (that I have come to realize is really not important), so that I have enough time to get everyone at the activities, make food and everyone in bed on time.
I just realized that this morning. I hardly ever get upset about anything else. Yes, some things irritate me but only time gets me really stressed out.
That’s probably why I don’t like it if someone asks me what time we are going to do something in our leisure time. Whenever. Not 4 minutes past 2. Just whenever. Some time in the early afternoon.
Time. I also don’t like waking up at a certain time BTW 🙂
For the first time in 10 years, I celebrated my birthday at home.
Not at Buffelspoort, where we have gone to the Sitrusfees for rugby Zander’s entire life.
This year, we didn’t have a little bulletjie rugby player.
It was very bitter sweet.
I did however, have a GREAT birthday. I was loved from the moment I woke up with a bear hug from my kids, till the moment I have to fight for a place in my bed at night.
Thank you to every single person who took the time to wish me a happy birthday.
Blessed to be a year older. Blessed that I could spend it with those I love.
I am not one to do New Years resolutions. The 31st and the 1st. Just another day. Change of the last number on my tax returns. Nothing major. I don’t do the “I hope this year is better” thing.
Then 2015 hit us.
And it sucks.
I don’t want to go into detail and feel sorry for myself but it sucks. End of January I actually said that I’m going to take February as the start to my new year. Didn’t work.
Let’s hope for March. New tax year and all. Maybe that will be a good one then.
I have many many things to be thankful for as well. So I will focus on that.
I’ve blogged way more this year than others. It doesn’t show up on my blog though. Why? They are all private. All to write down my feelings, leave memories but not to share.
Because one should focus on the good.
So we will do just that. Tomorrow is just another day. It will get better.
If you know me well, you will know that I don’t like going to a doctor. I mostly don’t see the point. More often than not I know what the problem is and get the necessary medication from our pharmacist. Don’t get me wrong, I like our doctor. I could never see myself going to anyone else. I just don’t like doctors in general.
I’ve been on high blood pressure pills before. Just as much as I don’t like doctors, I don’t like pills either. I drink epilepsy meds every single day and would never stop that. However, I did stop the blood pressure pills.
For the past couple of weeks I have felt as though my blood pressure might be high but didn’t worry about testing it.
Until last week Wednesday. I had a horrible headache, my lips and eyes felt like they were on fire. I knew this wasn’t one of my normal headaches. I asked my Dad to take my blood pressure and it was high. I even fell asleep that afternoon and I have to be very sick before I sleep during the day. Next morning it was still high and I
was forced went to the doctor.
In the mean time I sommer took my dad’s blood pressure pills.
Don’t judge lol
So, back to my doctor. He took my blood pressure and said I should continue with the same medication as my dad takes. (I knew that)
He asked about my general health and my mom mentioned my bad back and constant ear problems.
He checked my ears and again said that I’m any ENT’s worst nightmare with my chronic ear infection. I asked what could be done about this and he said that he feels really sorry for me but there is nothing one can do. I even asked if I could have the nerves severed so that I have no feeling. Yes, that is how bad the constant pain is. He said it’s possible but he wouldn’t advice me to do it lol I did explain that if they find me with my ear cut off, it has nothing to do with Van Gogh or anything.
He asked about my back…blah blah blah…reminded him of the disc that is non-proper and he mentioned that the only other option except surgery is to lose weight and strengthen the core muscles.
My mom asked him if we could change my epilepsy medication since that is the cause of my weigh gain.
Especially since I eat less than my very thin Mom. Ag shame…he just looked defeated and said no. He knows that it causes weight gain but there is nothing else that I can use.
Lovely. Nothing can be done about the ears, back and epilepsy pills will make me pick up weight since I’m allergic to all others.
BTW next time you see an over-weight person, don’t necessarily think it’s because they eat too much.
Why am I posting this? So that next time I’m gatvol with my body, I know I have a reason lol Or just to keep record or to get it off my chest.
1. No respect. I don’t understand people who have no respect. Respect for others, themselves. I don’t get it. You must live in your own kinda creepy world to be so self-centered that you have no respect.
2. Abuse. Any kind of about. If I have to see someone abuse a child or animal, I will not be responsible for my actions…no I will. I will take full responsibility.
3. Stupid one but people who don’t stop at stop streets lol. Drives me insane
Oh my soul. Not an easy blog post for me! I hardly ever watch movies and I will not watch one movie twice out of free will!
Let me think of some movies though…
1. Stuart Little (I watched that movie a million times *not by choice* before Jason was born. The morning they go to adopt the “brother”, the little boys up shouting “it’s today it’s today!” Quintus wanted to know if it would be today that he would get his brother too 🙂
2. Lion King (will always be a classic)
3. The Blind Side (watched it on my iPad on the way to the sea. Will watch it again)
4. Up (such a sweet love story)
5. Cars ( I have boys. I can see that I will watch it again and it is rather cute)
6. Finding Nemo
I think that is pretty much all the movies I have seen the past ten years lol