I have some health issues going on at the moment and I thought that we had been pretty good about not talking much around Zander. The older brothers are supportive and old enough to understand that it might end up not being anything serious any way, so they know. Kyla and Zander know the bare minimum.
Zander is very much a mommy’s boy. He also gets anxious easily. Which is why we try our best not to let him know what’s going on. At least not until we know what is going on ourselves.
He was lying next to me in bed tonight when all of a sudden he said that he will commit suicide if I died.
My heart stopped.
He is 11 years old and he even thinks about it! Of course I immediately said that I plan on living 113 years. That he does not have to worry about anything happening to me. He said that he won’t have anything left to live for if I die. I told him that by the time I am 113 he will have great grandchildren whose names he can’t remeber. He will have a lot to live for.
I don’t know if this is just something that crossed his mind now? I am wondering if it could be because Tommie’s cousin just passed away unexpectedly. However we didn’t discuss that in front of him either.
I mean we could all die right now. There are no guarantees in life. I just hope I get to live until an age where he doesn’t feel I am all he has to live for.
Sometimes I am at a loss of words, unsure how to make him less anxious.
I can’t believe he said that. I can’t believe he even thinks about that.
I have come to realize that what that stresses me out most is time.
I detest it when I’m rushed for something. Getting someone somewhere on time. Waiting for a client who is late.
Our days are so much calmer now that I home-school. No time problem with helping Zander with all his homework (that I have come to realize is really not important), so that I have enough time to get everyone at the activities, make food and everyone in bed on time.
I just realized that this morning. I hardly ever get upset about anything else. Yes, some things irritate me but only time gets me really stressed out.
That’s probably why I don’t like it if someone asks me what time we are going to do something in our leisure time. Whenever. Not 4 minutes past 2. Just whenever. Some time in the early afternoon.
Time. I also don’t like waking up at a certain time BTW 🙂
For the first time in 10 years, I celebrated my birthday at home.
Not at Buffelspoort, where we have gone to the Sitrusfees for rugby Zander’s entire life.
This year, we didn’t have a little bulletjie rugby player.
It was very bitter sweet.
I did however, have a GREAT birthday. I was loved from the moment I woke up with a bear hug from my kids, till the moment I have to fight for a place in my bed at night.
Thank you to every single person who took the time to wish me a happy birthday.
Blessed to be a year older. Blessed that I could spend it with those I love.
I am not one to do New Years resolutions. The 31st and the 1st. Just another day. Change of the last number on my tax returns. Nothing major. I don’t do the “I hope this year is better” thing.
Then 2015 hit us.
And it sucks.
I don’t want to go into detail and feel sorry for myself but it sucks. End of January I actually said that I’m going to take February as the start to my new year. Didn’t work.
Let’s hope for March. New tax year and all. Maybe that will be a good one then.
I have many many things to be thankful for as well. So I will focus on that.
I’ve blogged way more this year than others. It doesn’t show up on my blog though. Why? They are all private. All to write down my feelings, leave memories but not to share.
Because one should focus on the good.
So we will do just that. Tomorrow is just another day. It will get better.
If you know me well, you will know that I don’t like going to a doctor. I mostly don’t see the point. More often than not I know what the problem is and get the necessary medication from our pharmacist. Don’t get me wrong, I like our doctor. I could never see myself going to anyone else. I just don’t like doctors in general.
I’ve been on high blood pressure pills before. Just as much as I don’t like doctors, I don’t like pills either. I drink epilepsy meds every single day and would never stop that. However, I did stop the blood pressure pills.
For the past couple of weeks I have felt as though my blood pressure might be high but didn’t worry about testing it.
Until last week Wednesday. I had a horrible headache, my lips and eyes felt like they were on fire. I knew this wasn’t one of my normal headaches. I asked my Dad to take my blood pressure and it was high. I even fell asleep that afternoon and I have to be very sick before I sleep during the day. Next morning it was still high and I
was forced went to the doctor.
In the mean time I sommer took my dad’s blood pressure pills.
Don’t judge lol
So, back to my doctor. He took my blood pressure and said I should continue with the same medication as my dad takes. (I knew that)
He asked about my general health and my mom mentioned my bad back and constant ear problems.
He checked my ears and again said that I’m any ENT’s worst nightmare with my chronic ear infection. I asked what could be done about this and he said that he feels really sorry for me but there is nothing one can do. I even asked if I could have the nerves severed so that I have no feeling. Yes, that is how bad the constant pain is. He said it’s possible but he wouldn’t advice me to do it lol I did explain that if they find me with my ear cut off, it has nothing to do with Van Gogh or anything.
He asked about my back…blah blah blah…reminded him of the disc that is non-proper and he mentioned that the only other option except surgery is to lose weight and strengthen the core muscles.
My mom asked him if we could change my epilepsy medication since that is the cause of my weigh gain.
Especially since I eat less than my very thin Mom. Ag shame…he just looked defeated and said no. He knows that it causes weight gain but there is nothing else that I can use.
Lovely. Nothing can be done about the ears, back and epilepsy pills will make me pick up weight since I’m allergic to all others.
BTW next time you see an over-weight person, don’t necessarily think it’s because they eat too much.
Why am I posting this? So that next time I’m gatvol with my body, I know I have a reason lol Or just to keep record or to get it off my chest.
1. No respect. I don’t understand people who have no respect. Respect for others, themselves. I don’t get it. You must live in your own kinda creepy world to be so self-centered that you have no respect.
2. Abuse. Any kind of about. If I have to see someone abuse a child or animal, I will not be responsible for my actions…no I will. I will take full responsibility.
3. Stupid one but people who don’t stop at stop streets lol. Drives me insane
Oh my soul. Not an easy blog post for me! I hardly ever watch movies and I will not watch one movie twice out of free will!
Let me think of some movies though…
1. Stuart Little (I watched that movie a million times *not by choice* before Jason was born. The morning they go to adopt the “brother”, the little boys up shouting “it’s today it’s today!” Quintus wanted to know if it would be today that he would get his brother too 🙂
2. Lion King (will always be a classic)
3. The Blind Side (watched it on my iPad on the way to the sea. Will watch it again)
4. Up (such a sweet love story)
5. Cars ( I have boys. I can see that I will watch it again and it is rather cute)
6. Finding Nemo
I think that is pretty much all the movies I have seen the past ten years lol
Day nine, tell a story from your childhood
There are obviously many childhood stories to be remembered and told. We would have to start a fire and get ready for a long night. Yet, I have to tell only one.
I clearly remember Sundays at the dam. We would wake up hoping for the wind to blow. We had a catamaran. I loved it when the wind would push it over and we all fell in the water. Or holding on to the pipe in the front and being pulled through the water. Or if the wind would calm down, just swimming next to the catamaran, waiting for the wind to pick up again.
Often my parents would buy a bucket of KFC. A big treat for us.
Wish we took more photos way back then.
I take a lot of photos every single day. This is very very difficult to do! Also I am not home, so I don’t have all my photos. So this is the best I can do for now.
I love this trip we took with the boys. That we took them out of school so unplanned. That it was the first time they saw snow.
I love seeing my boys do what they love. They don’t have to excel at it, they must just enjoy it.
Then there are moments that even though it’s captured on crappy cellphone camera, the moment is more important. This was one of those moments forever captured. The night he was awarded Culture Boy of the Year.
If I could live in any time period, when would it be?
This is such a difficult question.
I am fiercely independent. I don’t take well to authority, especially from men. I would have battled to live in the “yes Dear, right Dear” era.
That being said, I would have loved to be a stay-at-home mom. I would have loved being doted upon, the way men did at a certain stage.
However I love love technology.
I don’t think I would have wanted to live in any other era. Would have loved less violence and corruption in this era but my direct life, ignoring those things, I love this era.
We can travel easily. Keep contact with friends living in other countries. Just love now.
I am totally a jeans and t-shirt kinda person.
I don’t have that very many photos of myself. You know how it goes when you always have the camera in hand right? I don’t really like photos of myself anyway.
I wish I dressed up more. I don’t like going shopping though. Seeing myself in fitting room mirrors causes huge anxiety.
So no photos but trust me, I am a jeans and t-shirt kinda person. For work I still wear jeans but with a nicer shirt.
I love music. A lot. I know the words to almost very song I have ever heard but do not ask me who sings it or what the name of the song is. Weird hey
Just some random information
My ten favourite songs (in no particular order)
1. Brave – Sara Bareilles
2. Bonfire Heart – James Blunt
3. Even the stars fall for u – Keith Urban
4. I choose you – Sara Bareilles
5. Ronan – Taylor Swift (even though I still cry every time)
6. Something I need – OneRepublic
7. Let her go – Passenger
8. Just give me a reason – P!nk
9. Won’t give up – Jason Mraz
10. Mean – Pink
Favourite comfort food. Is that ever a healthy food?
If I need an instant comfort, unfortunately it will be crisps.
If I can plan comfort food but don’t want to make it, it will be pizza. Romans pizza to be exact.
If I want to make my own comfort food, it will be macaroni and cheese.
See the trend? Carbs. Not good.
Oh and the macaroni recipe…EASY!
Bacon (for the others)
Grate the tomato and onions together
Grate the cheese
Mix eggs with small amount of milk
Make two layers with macaroni, salt, pour raw egg over, tomato nod onion mix, cheese
On top put the bacon.
In oven on 160 c for 50 min and you have lekker macaroni
This is a difficult one. I am on holiday and don’t have my laptop with all my photos with me. So I have to choose what I have on Facebook .
That’s me. In my Heidi dress. I loved that dress. I remember that time of my life as being very happy. Little to no stress. As little ones should have.
For now though, this is my favourite photo. I think it speaks for itself. I am just so happy when I am with them.
1. My kids
(I never saw myself as being a mother when I was a child. I didn’t picture the perfect wedding and having blonde little children. I thought my career would define me. Well, it did not)
2. My husband
(We have had too many downs but recently more ups. I do love him. He makes me laugh when I don’t feel like ignoring him hehe)
3. My parents
(I could not do what I do and be I am without them. They are truly my closest friends)
4. My family (brothers, in-laws, nephews..)
(I am blessed. I have a family that cares. That will be there for us or my kids any time I need them)
5. My cellphone
(I know. A cellphone makes me happy. It does. It keeps me connected. I can take pretty good photos with it to keep memories alive.)
6. My iPad
(Another gadget but let’s face it. I have my books there, my internet friends, my google, my photos, my work, my mail. It is a part of me)
7. My animals
(I love my dogs. I always have. My dogs aren’t just dogs. They are family members. Bella is lying here next to me on the bed, snoring away. She makes me happy. So do all our dogs)
8. My camera
(It is important to me to capture memories. I look back at the photos that my parents took when I was little and I am so thankful that they did)
(I appreciate friendship. I appreciate that I can have different relationships with different friends)
(Music is an emotion. I can change how I feel with music. It can put me back at a certain stage of my life by just hearing the first beats of a song. When I still ran, I used to love the time I had on the road and the music ears)
I have decided to take part in the 31 Day Blogging challenge. I have not done something like this in ages. Will be good to get me back to blogging more often again!
Write the story of your life. So many chapters to condense into so few words.
Born 1974 in Pietersburg. The youngest of three kids. The only daughter. That would pretty much define my childhood. The one without the instant friend. The little one who tagged along.
We moved to Delareyville for 5 years and then to Klerksdorp. I have lived there most of my life.
I was lucky to never have to change schools. One primary school and one high school.
My brother had a very bad accident during my matric year. Since my folks had to pay back his bursary, I decided to study through UNISA. It was not easy. I will not lie. Working and studying accounting science is difficult, I clearly remember one night before I wrote my last accounting paper where I told my dad I would fail and that I was not going to write. He told me I could not write and get zero or try and get something. I wrote and got great marks (thanks Dad!)
I got married 14 days after writing my last exam. 14 November 1998.
Got my most important job on 4 May 2000. The day Quintus was born. The day I became a mother. I resigned from my job that same day. I worked my butt off until then. Long hours on the road. I would have been a photo on the wall. My job thought they owned me.
I started working with my dad in August 2000. One of my best decisions ever.
I have managed to be there for my kids like a full-time mom, while getting enough work done to cover a full day or more.
I have had very bad times. I have done stupid things. I have lots of regrets. I have always loved with my whole heart. I care about other people, even if I don’t know them. I give to those in need. I love animals. I am a good mom. Not perfect but good.
This is the story of me. Or the part I am willing to share in few words.
I married into a family of meat eaters. My husband hunts (which I hate)
Braai is their favourite food, past time and culture.
This year I stopped eating meat. Something I have wanted to do for many years. I have only one regret and that is that I have not done so sooner.
However, I have worried about visiting the in-laws. My father-in-law cannot understand that someone doesn’t eat meat. He has given little Zander a hard time, even though Zander will eat mince but not other meat. I knew he would not take the news well and thought that he would make every meal difficult for me.
How wrong I was. Tommie informed them beforehand. My mother-in-law has gone out of her way to make food for me. She has gone shopping and searching for stuff for me to eat (and I did not expect her to at all) My father-in-law has not mentioned it once.
I appreciate it so much.
Probably more than they know.
Yesterday I had an operation to fix something on my hand that I hurt when playing with our Labrador.
Clearly she is stronger than me.
Of course it would be my right hand and interesting to see the spelling mistakes i make now while swiping on the phone. One of the choir member’s mom thought i was being very ruse lol
it also has its ups. I was pulled over by a traffic cop. I was doing my best to find my drivers licence and he felt sorry for me and let me go. Not even picking up that I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt (I normally do but man what a pain with only one hand)
I have come to realize that out Labrador is stronger than me without a doubt lol
You know you are really really sick, when you are a victim of crime and don’t even mention it.
I’m thankful for my SIL, Maggie, who did all the phoning to block the phone and then found out I could do an early upgrade. I do love her.
So without even thinking (as in at all) I went to get my new phone, pick up medication and go home.
The phone was stolen out of Tommie’s bakkie (that I never drive) in my mom’s driveway. SO frustrating!!! Yes, it was almost time for me to upgrade anyway but my phone was perfectly fine. Gosh, except that it was a S2, it was still brand-new. My kids could have had it.
I have little tags with my kids’ names and birthdates dangling from my phone. I got it when Quintus was born and just added the other two. It’s been on every single phone I’ve owned. Now that is lost. I’m so upset about that.
The last month’s photos I took is not backed up. Scanned documents now lost.
I got the S4 and maybe today I will up to playing with it a bit…..
If you know me real well, you will know that I don’t easily stay home when I’m sick. I have a true believe that feeling sick at home and feeling sick at work is pretty much the same. You will still feel sick. At least at work, you get stuff done. However, I’m not getting better and coupled with an epileptic attack, I’m not “firing on all cylinders” – like my sister-in-law said - so maybe staying home is not such a bad idea.
As I’m sitting in bed though, I actually got thinking about this staying home thing. ‘
I’m home now. It’s cold in the mornings, so that is a good thing.
However, this afternoon I have the kids run. Zander has extra classes, Jason has tennis matches. Quintus thankfully nothing for today. I’m going to be out and about anyway.
So I’m having a sick morning. Back to full-time mom mode this afternoon.
I’m not one to normally do meme’s or things like that and I’m going to cheat somewhat on this one, since I won’t be asking other bloggers to answer the questions. If however you feel you want to answer them, please go ahead!
I like the questions though, so here goes.
I was awarded the Liebster award. Thanks to https://nanuschka.wordpress.com for the nomination!! I never knew that she was following my blog, so I have unfortunately not been following hers. Will from now on though!
So here’s my answers to the questions she asked:
1. If things had gone differently, where would you be?
I suppose this kind of depends on what things could have gone differently. If I had biology in high school, I would have become an occupational therapist.
Had I gone to varsity (and not study through Unisa to get my accounting degree), I would probably have married someone else.
Had I not resigned pretty much the day Quintus was born, I would still be working in a corporate job, earning loads of money but not be there for my kids.
I prefer where I am now.
2. Do you recall one defining moment in your childhood and what was it?
Unfortunately yes. I would prefer not to talk about it though. Clearly not good.
This does not mean that I didn’t have a good childhood, since I did. I have the perfect parents. The defining moment however sucked and has influenced my life negatively.
3. What did you want to be when you grew up and what are you now?
I wanted to be a psychologist. I wanted to be able to help people overcome life’s obstacles. However, I turned out to be good in Accounting and Maths. Here I am an Accountant.
4. What was that one promise you made to yourself that you still strive to achieve?
Never really made promises to myself. Not as a child any way. I just wanted to survive. I have however made promises regarding my kids. I promised myself that I would do all I can to make sure they are happy. That’s my goal for them.
5. Are you happy?
Mostly yes. Especially when I’m with my children.
6. What’s on top of your bucket list this year?
Funny thing this bucket list. I have no short term bucket list item….maybe I should think about that.
7. Who is your bestest family member?
This could be scary to answer lol My entire family reads my blog. I’m lucky to have a mother that is more a friend that a Mom (especially now that I’m older) I adore my Dad. He’s my hero. If I had to say though, my kids win hands down.
8. What sport are you into?
Before I hurt my back, I used to love running. It was my ME time. Where I thought, relaxed and breathed. Loved it.
9. What time do you go to bed?
I love sleep. I need sleep. I don’t function on anything less than 8 hours. How I survived Jason’s first 2 years of his life is a mystery. I go to bed at 10 pm unless I’m busy with a good book….can’t put a book down.
10. What is the last thing you do before going to bed?
I look for a spot on the bed that is not occupied by dogs or children.
11. When last did you take a leap of faith in something or someone?
I trust too easily. Believe in the good of people. That’s not always a good thing. There’s nothing specific that I can think of right now though.
The start of a new year is always busy for me. But normally not emotional.
We have to get school supplies.
Go back to work.
Do the first day of school thing.
Celebrate Zander’s birthday.
I think this year was emotional for me since I am emotionally not in a good place. Zander went and grew up without my permission. Went to Grade 1 and turned 7 just like that.
7 has always been a big number for me. It’s as if the kids move from being my little boy, to being a boy. A child. A separate person. Exploring and experiencing things without me. Just moving on with growing up and being a child.
Quintus is in his final year of primary school. Just yesterday HE went to Grade 1.
Things are moving fast. Kids are growing up so quickly and it feels like I am being left behind. Not by them. I want them independent. With self confidence yet knowing I am here for them. Always.
It’s something else. I don’t know how to put my feelings into words.
Maybe when I have my work up to date. Or the kids are settled and back into routine.
I got a bluetooth keyboard with my Samsung Galaxy Tablet when we bought it at the beginning of the year. I’m sad to say that I have never used it.
I sit here and type as I watch my two sons write their Afrikaans exam papers. They detest languages probably as much as I did at school. I never did badly in them, I just didn’t like studying for those exams. I actually skipped Afrikaans classes as often as I could (in high school and don’t tell the kids). I would ride to my mom’s work and have coffee with her before going back for my last class. That was on a Monday in matric. I remember it like it was yesterday. Obviously my mom knew. She didn’t mind. I had good marks in the class and really….that Afrikaans teacher. … Ai he should have retired years before then. He spoke as if he lived in the Voortrekker days.
I know how important languages are but still. Not fun to learn.
Anyway, it’s easier typing on this keyboard. I actually think I might continue using it.
Yes, a boring post but I needed to try out my keyboard lol
Have a great week everyone 🙂
Thursday morning I got a sms from an unknown number:
Madam I dnt wanna coz any trouble 4 u bt please i need ur help, i am realy sorry for what i said in the past please 4give me i was being childish i am really sorry
uhm…. I was sitting outside oncology when I got this. Not in the mood to play the “who is this” game. My first thought was that it must be my previous housekeeper. She was very childish when she worked for me and more so when she left. So I smséd back – “who is this?” Got a ‘Please call me’ from Tshepo.
Sjoe, that brought back some memories. Not good ones, that’s for sure. Tshepiso is the son of my housekeeper who passed away. I loved her. She raised my boys as her own. Often Quintus would fall asleep on her back as she worked. I still miss her.
Anyway, about 5 years ago, I was home alone at night when I got a sms. It was horrible. Explaining what this person wants to do to me and ugly s*xual language. Horrible. I got my friend to phone that number and Tshepiso answered. I was so upset. Partly because he used to come to my house. I used to help him with his maths. I went to his athletics. More upset because of the terrible things that were said in the sms. Upset that he would hurt his mother by what he sent me.
We did try to make a case against him but in our country nothing happens, fast. His Uncle (who works for my mom) did discipline him. I was upset but left it there. Nothing I could do about it. I basically wrote him off.
Then this sms. At first I didn’t want to phone him back. I assumed he wanted money or something and I wasn’t willing to help. So I didn’t phone back. That was until I went to pick up Jason from school and ended up being a whole 30 minutes early (don’t ask). So I phoned him.
He thanked me for phoning back….
yeah, when are you asking for money? He said that he is extremely sorry for what he did…. yeah, when are you asking for money? That he was childish …. yeah, when are you asking for money? and that he doesn’t know why he did that…. yeah, when are you asking for money? Again apologising…. yeah, when are you asking for money? Saying that it’s been bothering him for years and that he felt it won’t help him feeling horrible but never apologising to me …. yeah, when are you asking for money? and then he wanted to say good-bye…
What!? No, I need your help for this or that? Just I’m sorry and then goodbye? Wow. Wow. Wow. I accepted his apology. I told him that I was hurt and upset but that when you are young, you make mistakes. That saying sorry takes a big man. That his mother would be so proud of him for apologising. That we will now put this behind us.
I thanked him for apologising. We made some small talk and I thought…maybe now he is going to ask for something? But not. He again said sorry and we said our goodbyes.
Do you know what that meant to me? Do you know how important the words “I am sorry” are. Say it when you have to. Goes right there with: yes, please, thank you….. and sorry.