I recently found this letter from my grandfather while looking for something else.
His handwriting. His words … and he is no longer here.
I read his letter and my heart ached. We did phone. We took him out for breakfast when we passed through Pietersburg on our way to Louis Trichardt.
We did not phone enough.
I read those words and how he mentioned how much a phone call meant.
I did not phone enough.
Maybe I’m older (I definitely not have more time now) but I realize that a call every now and then was not enough. I should have called more often, with random news even if the phone call was for less than a minute.
I did not phone enough.
He must have been so lonely. I cannot actually imagine a man spending so much time to write a letter. He wrote a letter to all the family members.
I did not phone enough.
I try to make up for that mistake by getting the boys to phone their grandfather every Sunday. (Not my parents because they SEE them every day) They should phone their grandmother as well come to think of it.
Make those phone calls. It takes a minute. Phone while waiting to pick up your child from school or waiting for them to finish sport. Just phone. It must make such a difference to them and it is such a small thing for us.
Make that call.
I wish I had phoned more.
I always wonder why people would read a post that I do in bullets. My life can’t be that interesting right? Well…maybe it gives me some direction to thoughts? Who knows 🙂
* 4 more sleeps before we go on holiday. Me, my mom and my boys.
* Apparently it will rain most of the time we are at the sea but hey, it’s better than rain at home!
* Tommie and my dad won’t be going with. Tommie is working and my dad will be in Mozambique getting hot doing bird-watching.
* This morning Jason said I’m the best mom ever and if I would marry him.
* I never thought that I would actually be a good bowler, or know how to pass a rugby ball or even kick it well. Funny how life changes when you have 3 boys.
* I did something this week that I thought I would never do and no, I’m not saying what. I can say that my mom did it too!
* I miss Quintus. He has been with family since Thursday. It’s time for him to come home now. We are picking him up tomorrow.
* I never thought I would like wine…actually I never have but now that I have welcome “Four Cousins” into my home, I love it.
* I think Els is guilty. You don’t remember the external details of abuse. Dates, places. Don’t remember them. Just because Klay could not, doesn’t proof that it didn’t happen.
* I have been battling with sinus for a while now. Not fun.
* I’m so glad the tax season is over!!!!!!!!!!! I actually feel guilty having so little to do!
* I wish my computer was proper. It overheats and doesn’t start up proper. It’s not even two years old.
JUST four three two ONE MORE SLEEPS!
I have ALWAYS said that one day, I’ll adopt a little girl. That’s my standard answer when someone asks me if we’ll try just one last time for a girl.
Tonight while eating in our kitchen at Wimpy one of the waitresses asked that same question again. I gave my standard answer. We then continued talking about a friend of mine who might be adopting a little 6 year old girl. We chatted for a while and then we left.
We were almost at the car when one of the waitresses came walking towards me and asked if she could quickly talk to me. Immediate tears for her….I knew what was coming.
She’s a single mom. Very VERY sweet girl. I never even knew that she’s a mom. She has a little girl that goes to sleep hungry many nights. More tears. She sometimes has to sleep at the creche’ because her mom works late hours like tonight. She is desperately afraid of welfare taking her little girl. Yet, she is realistic enough to know that she can’t keep on like this.
Wow. Lots of tears from me. I asked her what she would like me to do. She cried cried and cried some more and asked me to give her daughter a home. That she doesn’t want to give her away but she needs to give her a home.
Oh word. More tears. For that little girl with no stability or full tummy and for her mom with a heart full of love but empty wallet.
What do I do? Do I get involved? Put my heart out there and know that I’m just giving the little girl a home and stability but not a mom? Can I do that? Not be the mom? Can I not get involved? Just say ‘good luck with that’ and turn the other way? That’s just not like me.
My heart is sore for that girl and her mom.
It is a must right? Looking back at 2006, reflecting on what was and making new year’s resolutions for 2007?
2006 was a really really tough year for me. I’m glad to see the end of it and I am living on hope that 2007 will be a much better one.
It was awful to go back to work when Zander was just 2 weeks old. I wanted more time with him. I needed to get comfortable with the fact that I’m now mom of three kiddos. Let the pregnancy hormones work their way out of my body without adding the stress of work. Settle in to breastfeeding my tiny baby boy. I just need more time. More time to recover from major surgery. I barely had the stitches from the c-section out when I was back at work. Till today I feel down and depressed when I think about it.
I felt like a bad mom as I didn’t spend enough time playing with the my boys. Not like I used to. I never gave myself a break. When I wasn’t working, I’d be busy with Zander or playing with the boys. It never occurred to me that I had a newborn. A baby child that takes up a lot of time and attention. I know that in 2007 it will be better. Zander will be running around with his brothers (how cute is that going to be!?) and we will all be spending more time together.
I had to accept the fact that I’d never have a little girl. I never used to dream about getting married or being a SAHM when I was a little girl. I always felt that I would work but there was always a daughter. To me it was a given that I would have a daughter. Now I don’t.
We had to make the decision for Tommie to have a vasectomy. In the light of me wanting a daughter, it was really tough. Our family is perfect as it is now. Three kids are great and we are happy as we are now. It’s not that we were planning on having another. However it was ending any hope of ever having another. Difficult to explain really. It was the end of an era in our lives. We’d never have a newborn again. (yes, I’m one of the weird people who loves having a newborn)
I had to accept that my epilepsy was out of control and cope with the loss of independence of driving for a while.
I was under some major stress at work. I was battling to cope with my workload and felt as though no-one understood or even knew that. Part of that probably had to do with the fact that I was feeling depressed as it was. I needed a break and I couldn’t have one. I needed help but could not get it. I felt sick with stress. Not going to bed once without feeling stressed or worried.
I had to accept the fact that my aunt was very sick and had to cope with her death. Death is final and unfair and very difficult to accept. No matter what.
I felt excluded from friendships. This not because I was but that’s just the way it felt to me.
I realized more than ever that our country is in a downward spiral with regards to crime. It seems to be spiraling out of control and it scares me.
Looking at 2007 though I’m not going to make any new years resolutions. I got this idea from an online friend of mine and this year I’ll only have wishes and hopes for 2007.
I hope that I’ll feel less depressed. That I will feel the sun shining on me daily.
I’m hoping on seeing my friends more. I miss them. Lots.
I really wish that I’ll be able to afford a SLR digital camera.
One of my biggest wishes is that my dad and I will stand on the top of Kilimanjaro this year
(with my new camera to take photos!)
My wish for my kids are to have a wonderful year at school. All three of them. Quintus will be going to Grade 1. Such an important year in my opinion. Jason will be in his last year in preschool. The senior as they say. Cute man. Zander will be going to a daymom some time this year. Knowing me and my mom though, this might only happen in 2008 😉
I wish Tommie will stop smoking.
For me and my dearest. May we end up more in love than what we are now.
And what is the start of the new year without the hope to end it thinner!
Happy 2007 to you all!
I swear some people are born without a heart. If they do have one it is a darn cold plastic one.
Monday I had to phone and cancel a meeting that my dad had scheduled with a group of people that he would have gone bird watching with this weekend.
Me: Hi This is Melany speaking. My dad asked me to give you a call. He is in Pietersburg at the moment because his sister-in-law is very very ill and he won’t be able to make the meeting tonight.
Heartless bitch: *silence* But the meeting was to be tonight! What must we do now? mmmm We’ll just have to have a meeting without him then. We will fill him in on the details. Bye.
What the fuck?! No “I’m sorry about your aunt” “How is she doing?” “Give my regards to your mom and dad” nothing!
Today after seeing a client, I get a message to phone her. So I do.
fuckwit Mrs X. I got a message to phone you.
Heartless Bitch: Yes I want to know if your dad will be joining us on Saturday.
Me: I’m really not sure. The decision to come home changes from minute to minute, so I can’t give you any guarantee that he will be back on Saturday.
Heartless Bitch: That’s a problem you know. How must we plan this then? We will just have to leave him out then.
Me: That’s fine. He will not have a problem with that at all.
Heartless Bitch: What cancer is it that your aunt has? *Me thinking that finally she will show some compassion*
Me: Lung cancer and it seems she has cancer in her bladder as well.
Heartless Bitch: Yes well, then I assume it will be a while before they are home.
!!!!!!! No emotion! F-king hell woman! This is a life and you are worried about your birdwatching trip!!!
Like I said – no heart. She cannot have a heart.
This week has been too long. Just too long. I haven’t looked forward to a weekend this much in a long long time. To add to that, I couldn’t get into wordpress today. Really people!!! I need my blog. Stress relieve and all of that.
Moving right along, please do proceed with caution. Age restriction 13 – Strong language and violence. Specifically if you are a smoker, I’d advice you to brace yourself or hit the X in the top right corner.
My SIL and I have been talking about death today. How morbid!
It actually started with her saying that we should just love people as much as we can while they are still alive. I completely agree with that. It made me think of the saying that one should life every day as though it’s your last. I don’t agree with that.
If I had to live every day as though it’s my last:
I wouldn’t work. I don’t want to spend my last day working. Which would mean, we would be bums – no money, no home, no food. Please donate.
My kids would be spoiled rotten. I would not discipline them. I would let them have whatever they want.
The would also not go to school, have no education – which is not an option. Spending their day with me. Doing whatever it is that we feel like.
I would be completely obese. I would eat as if there’s no tomorrow (which according to this saying there would not be).
My house would look like a pigsty. I would not be bothered to clean it up!
MMmm…my husband might even get some
So while I agree that one should love as if there is no tomorrow, one cannot live as if there is not.