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First chemo session

Honestly? I was nervous. Nervous because I couldn’t feel the chemo port and thought they wouldn’t be able to use it. Nervous of the unknown.

I handle such situations with humor. I had that oncology in giggles most of the time. Except when someone was asleep and there was this one old Oom that snored. That calm snore. I wanted to sleep with him!

First they put a plaster over the port that numbs the area. Takes 40 minutes and gave us time to visit family in hospital. I went back and felt close to zero pain when she put needle in. Felt absolutely nothing when she flused it and nothing while getting the chemo. I had my hands available and comfortable without an IV. It was great.

My body handled it like a pro. So far, so good. Little bit nauseous but I can cope with it.

I was so worried that I made a mistake by getting the port. I thankfully did not. It worked so well.

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How do I feel

I try not to feel.  That is my honest answer.  I don’t know how I feel because I hide it even from myself.  As soon as I try to think about it, I stop myself.  It is what it is and getting all emotional about it won’t help.

I do feel bad that it has affected Zander so much this whole term.  We did all his work but it always seemed rushed or not on schedule.

I feel bad that I was hardly in the office the last month.  It’s stressful times with tax season ending next week and I was not there to do my share.  My dad had to stand in and take a lot of the work on his shoulders.

My parents have done more than can ever be expected of them.  I don’t know how I would have coped without them this past month.

At this stage I just feel it’s unfair towards others.  I feel horrible when I see how upset other people are.

It still feels like people are making a bigger deal out of it than it has to be though.  I know my whole opinion about that will change once I start chemo but that’s how I feel now.  It felt like the operation was bigger than it had to be.  It’s as though in my mind it was just a tiny growth with no chance of it turning into something that anyone has to worry about.  As though it could have been dealt with , without anyone having to know.

Now it’s a big thing that will influence the next 8 months of my life, of my family’s lives.

I’m just writing down thoughts.  It feels so unreal that I feel so healthy now and I have to go make myself sick.  I’m willingly going to walk into oncology and get sick.  It’s just … surreal.


The results are in

All tests done and I saw my oncologist for the 2nd time.  Some interesting facts.  The mark on my back is thankfully just proof that I have a bad back.  I’m very thankful for that and ag shame, my back is stuffed.  Then I went for a sonar and x-ray this morning.  Apparently I have gallstones.  They do not bother me, so I will not bother them!

It’s funny how all of a sudden a bad back and gallstones are something to be thankful for!

I get the chemo port on Tuesday and should start chemo either Wednesday or Thursday.

It’s starting to feel real.


2016

Billy Connolly has a video clip where he talks about the words “fuck off”.

That is what I think of when I look back at 2016.  It can just fuck off.  Off it should fuck.

So it has.

It is a year where so many people lost their lives.  The one that hit me most, was the death of sweet little Nate. I cannot go to bed or wake up without thinking of him. Those beautiful eyes. The absolute joy that was him.

It is the year that broke Zander.  To see him shatter was painful.  (I have so much to say here but I keep on deleting it.  Not worth it)

It is the year that probably ended Quintus’ rugby.  I don’t think we will ever let him play again after he fractured his vertebrae.

Quintus is my rock.  He seems to manage to keep on standing regardless.  Again, I have things I want to say about relationships and especially how your relationship with your father / mother should be but I will not.  Let’s just say that people should treat others with love.  At all times.

It is the year that I cried more tears about my Bella than ever.  I know she won’t be with us for much longer.  Nearly lost her twice.  I’m so thankful that she managed to make it to 2017.  Now my next wish is for her to still be healthy by the time we go to Stilbaai again in April.

I can say though that it was a year that was good to Jason.  He earned his school honours that he so badly wanted.  He especially wanted to achieve that in Grade 8 and I was so proud when he did.

The year has been good for Kyla as well.  She loved the sport, the friends and feeling like any other loved child should.  It has been a huge learning curve.  Not always a walk in the park but overall she’s very happy.

If I have one wish for 2017 it will be that I hope it is a year that is “soft” on everyone.  A year that will be patient and kind.  Where everyone will feel loved.

I wish you the best.


Homeschool moms vs working moms

As it is with social media, you follow people with the same interest or lifestyle as yourself.

So being a homeschool mom, I now have many online homeschool friends and groups that I follow.

Let’s not make any jokes here but I’m busy.  I’m very busy.  I love it.  I don’t complain for one moment but I’m busy.  I lie in bed at night just before I fall asleep and scroll through Facebook or while holding on for a client.  Maybe in between waiting for the next client.  Never like it used to be.  I just don’t have the time to catch up on it all.  So I miss a lot.  (Take it as an apology if I haven’t liked, loved or commented on one of your posts!)

I did just happen on a post from a homeschool mom.  A mom who is thankful that she has time to just be and not planning the next week or working on any specific subject.  Even though homeschool moms do have way more time on their hands and tend to do more fun things with the children anyway, it only hit me then.  I don’t have that!  Yes, I don’t have to worry about planning school work (for the next week) I do however have to work.  Full-time.  I now have to  catch up on work.

Not quite the same break as “normal” homeschool moms 🙂  I don’t complain though.  It’s just different being a full-time working homeschool mom and being a homeschool mom.

Not that I would want to change that.  I’ll just stand here in the corner and juggle a full time job, mom of 5 children and homeschooling 1, including all their activities.

YOU DON’T SCARE ME.  I’m a homeschool, full-time working, mom of 5, hockey, rugby, netball, swimming, choir,  mom


In a year

Today a year ago, we bought a new car.  A non-mom, fast, little car.

It didn’t make sense to keep the Fortuner that we had then, since it would mostly be Zander, Bella and myself using the car.  So we went smaller.

A week ago, we bought a Mercedes.  Not a snazzy little fast Mercedes.  No, a bus.  A Vianno or something (can see I don’t know cars)

We have gone from 3 children to 5 in a year, with Kyla back home and then Anthony that has joined our family as well.  (My brother’s son who finds school in Klerksdorp way better than Louis Trichardt)

So now I drive a bus.

me

I do moan about my bus but secretly I love it 


All our children

 

As we sat in the dark after the kids went to bed, Tommie and I spoke about the children.  We have so many worries about each and every one.  So many things to be proud of.  So many personalities to work with.  Different reactions to situations and trying to keep them all happy and loved.

I wish I could explain to them just how much I love them.  Just how proud I am of them.  How they drive me insane.  How hard I try at raising them to be well adjusted, proper people.  People who will care and understand.  Have respect and be confident.

I can only try.  We can only try.  We don’t always succeed but I hope we mostly do.  

I hope they know that they are loved and respected, regardless.  That I would move the world, hang the moon just a bit that way or pick a flower on the other side of the world for them if it will make their lives better.

Kiddos, you are loved.