I try not to feel. That is my honest answer. I don’t know how I feel because I hide it even from myself. As soon as I try to think about it, I stop myself. It is what it is and getting all emotional about it won’t help.
I do feel bad that it has affected Zander so much this whole term. We did all his work but it always seemed rushed or not on schedule.
I feel bad that I was hardly in the office the last month. It’s stressful times with tax season ending next week and I was not there to do my share. My dad had to stand in and take a lot of the work on his shoulders.
My parents have done more than can ever be expected of them. I don’t know how I would have coped without them this past month.
At this stage I just feel it’s unfair towards others. I feel horrible when I see how upset other people are.
It still feels like people are making a bigger deal out of it than it has to be though. I know my whole opinion about that will change once I start chemo but that’s how I feel now. It felt like the operation was bigger than it had to be. It’s as though in my mind it was just a tiny growth with no chance of it turning into something that anyone has to worry about. As though it could have been dealt with , without anyone having to know.
Now it’s a big thing that will influence the next 8 months of my life, of my family’s lives.
I’m just writing down thoughts. It feels so unreal that I feel so healthy now and I have to go make myself sick. I’m willingly going to walk into oncology and get sick. It’s just … surreal.